It was a new year, and I had resolutions. Except that when I saw the cute boy at my coworker’s birthday party, I remained sober and silent. So the next week I told the birthday girl to pass along my info to said boy. She did, and that was that. Nuthin.

Then I met a vegetarian from Hinge who went to college with some high school friends of mine. I met all of his friends on the second date, slept over (nuthin), and spent the following day watching the entire season of Transparent with him and his friends—ALL DAY. Then it fizzled pretty quick when he said he wanted to be friends—fine. Remember, vegetarian. This was all within 2 weeks.

In February (after V-day of course), I met Paul (I don’t really have a nickname for him…). He works in Dumbo too, so we met for a morning coffee before work. He texted me A LOT. Which is great, unless that’s all you do. We went on one more date where we ate poutine and pickles; it ended in a donut, but no kiss. It continued/fizzled strictly via text from then on. I’ve already awkwardly-seen-and-tried-to-avoid him twice in the subway going to and from work. Thanks, Happn.

March passed by pretty uneventfully, despite meeting two single NYC banker boys while in Vegas.

In April, I met a funny boy through Hinge who turned out to be a comedian. We have since been casually and very sporadically popping in and out of each other’s beds. (Please note: aside from this, I think Hinge is completely worthless.)

The week I came back from Argentina in June, I went out with a Jewish Doctor Who Has a French Bulldog. We had matched on Tinder last fall; I had given him my number and he never texted. Long story short: we met a week or two after he moved to NYC for residency. I had four drinks, including a suggested tequila shot… which means I was wasted. We briefly made out on a street corner but he was, in my opinion, too muscley for his stature and I wasn’t that into it. Very nice guy and great to talk to, though. We texted once or twice but never made plans to hang out again.

This was partially due to the fact that right before meeting Jewish Doctor, I had matched on Bumble with THE BOY FROM THE BIRTHDAY PARTY. I messaged him, he took two days to respond, and then we got into a nice, but brief conversation. I was eager and asked him out. He exclaimed and agreed! Our 3.5 hour/3 drink date was objectively amazing for both parties. Unfortunately, it was all downhill from there, despite having a second 5-hour date—2 of which were spent on his couch talking, and ONLY talking. He tried to quit it with the “ack my schedule got crazy, I can’t meet.” But when I boldly checked in about hanging a week later, he went with The Classic: silence and pretending to not exist. I sure hope we don’t run into each other at a party thrown by my coworker again… :) And, obviously, I never asked why he never put my number to use way back when.

Just last week, I went on a date with another guy from Bumble. We didn’t talk much upfront but he seemed cool and direct. We went to an awesome speakeasy and he was great! Very fun to talk to and it seemed we had a lot in common (mostly baseball). No kiss, but we agreed to do it again sometime. THEN, I decided to stalk him on Instagram… where I discovered that just 10 weeks prior (and possibly even more recently) he had a girlfriend of 2ish years. I obviously don’t know what the situation is, but now I’m healthily wary. We discussed hanging out this past Wednesday but he had to cancel due to work and preparing for a trip—he asked for a “rain check” (classic baseball move). TBD, but I’m not expecting to hear from him ever again, a la boyfromthebirthdayparty.

There have been a couple other dates in the past couple weeks (even one last night), but they were nothing to write home about—so I won’t.

Also, there may be a charcuterie date in my future. To be continued.

This inaugural entry should be the longest you’ll ever have to read.

Thank you,

and Welcome to…

The Amusement, Bemusement, & Crap of Dating

by Emily F!@#in’ G.