Army Spy has been deleted for good. Besides, he’s an Aries, so it never could have worked.

Thursday night: I went on a zero expectation Bumble date—as in, I agreed to go out with him after having zero conversation, which meant I had no idea what to expect. I was a little buzzed when I arrived from office happy hour, and he ended up being normal and talkative. He (let’s call him Harrison) seems smart and fun and “good.” We went to The Drink and then to Duck Duck and then to my apartment to smoke (terrible idea). He ended up spending the night, but LITERALLY nothing happened. We did not kiss at all, and when he tried to semi-cuddle as we went to bed, I said, “I think we need to sleep farther apart.” He scooted to the other side of the bed and respectfully did not come near me all night, due either to respect, passing out immediately, or both. We also did not kiss in the morning—ZERO PHYSICAL CONTACT.

Update: I’m creeping on Harrison on LinkedIn and it turns out he was in the Army……………… 1. What is this newfound fetish I apparently have? and/or why am I such a magnet? 2. Really wishing I hadn’t wasted the Army Spy nickname on the last guy, because this guy is even MORE spy-like. Damn, Harrison it is.

Another update: Harrison is very upfront, asking when he can see me again and what it is I’m looking for. It’s intense, but also extremely refreshing. We have plans to hang out on Monday, and I hope to get to the bottom of this Army stuff. I also hope he reminds me what we talked about during my inebriation.

Today: I have just now returned from a freezing cold but very fun date with a Bumble boy we shall call YoungerMan. First we got coffee, then we went to the Museum of Food and Drink, and then to Brooklyn Brewery. He’s super cute and funny and we had a great 4.5 hour date. We kissed goodbye and we want to see each other again.

As you can see, I’m 2 for 2 this week, which is both insane and uplifting. It should be noted that Harrison is 30 (oldest I’ve ever dated) and Younger Man is 24 (class of 2014, the same young year as my ex). I also had plans with another Bumble guy tonight, but I asked for a rain check due to the frigid weather. Tomorrow is V-day and I’m taking myself to see The Hateful Eight.

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