#72

I’ll start by saying that Neighbor Boy and I haven’t had sex since before my last email. And we haven’t even kissed in the past 3 weeks. Why, you ask? Well, let’s take it back to when I was going to “crack open a can of worms.” That can of worms was referring to the 15-20 prescription bottles he had casually displayed on his nightstand the first time I slept over (date #3). I finally worked up the courage (maybe date #6 or #7?) to ask why there were so many in such a particular place, and he chalked it up to being messy and lazy. I obviously investigated and they were anti-depressants, so I naturally decoded that he has depression. About six weeks ago, he told me he was on a new cocktail of meds (officially revealing his depression to me even though his bottles were out and proud since the very beginning), and that it had completely killed his libido. This was fine though, and we were still having plenty of fun. But after a few weeks I realized we weren’t just not having sex, we also weren’t even kissing or cuddling, and it was hard to distinguish him from the rest of my friends, or to distinguish me from the rest of his friends. But he would still manage to pop up at the perfect moment and make it seem like everything was “normal.”

After a few weeks of confusion and uncertainty, I finally decided today that I needed to bring up that it felt like he didn’t seem interested and that we should just call it quits if he wanted. But then he texted me to grab a drink—and I knew he was on the same page. I met him after getting dinner with my friend, and we had a beer. As we were walking home, he initiated a conversation about how he wasn’t looking for a romantic/sexual relationship with me. We continued the conversation at his apartment briefly (read: I chugged the beer he poured for me as fast as possible), where I got him to admit that he couldn’t completely blame this all on the medication and that he did enjoy spending time with me, but he also doesn’t know how to separate his feelings from the medication and that he didn’t want me waiting around for the medication to figure itself out. It was very nice to be able to talk like adults, but I also felt tears threatening to show themselves in my eyes, so I left pretty abruptly. I knew the end was coming for a while, but that never stops it from being sad or disappointing. Since knowing each other, we haven’t run into each other at ALL in our neighborhood, and yet somehow I know that we’ll run into each other constantly now that we’re no longer hanging out. He better not show up at my pool this summer.

I do, however, have one lighthearted story to share. 2 weekends ago, I was at my favorite dance bar with my danciest friends. I told Neighbor Boy to come join us, but he was lame and didn’t show (red flag). Then, I just so happened to run into a guy that works on my floor and that I’ve had a mini crush on for years from afar. I struck up a conversation, and we ended up dancing, making out (sorry, Neighbor Boy), and swapping numbers. We texted a bit that weekend, and I haven’t run into him at work YET, but I know it will happen when I least expect it—probably on the same day that I run into Neighbor Boy in the subway. I initially felt bad about making out with a stranger after having committed to being exclusive with Neighbor Boy, but I no longer feel guilty now that he revealed that he hasn’t really given a shit about me for the past 6 weeks. What fun! At least I got some attention.

In other news, I’m finally getting an IUD next week. WHAT FOR, RIGHT???

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