#60

I’ve been on two more dates with the Jewish guy (I really wanted a better name for him, but here we are. He’s not even religious!). After our first date and near-constant texting for a week, I was very excited about him—to the point that I even felt a little guilty for my afternoon delight last week. He’s super cute, and SO sweet, but I’m starting to realize that we’re probably not compatible on a deeper level. He’s also very touchy-feely and constantly wants to hold my eczema-laden hand, which I find gross and also annoying—please don’t exacerbate it! We’ve been talking a bunch, which I think will make it even harder to break things off with him when I inevitably do.

So… everyone keeps asking, and the answer is, “no, I highly doubt I’ll ever hear from Anesthesiologist again.” I thought we were all on the same page with that.

Oh, but you know who I DID hear from tonight, after 3 weeks of silence? NAVY GUY. Classic move. As you’ll recall, he was a super asshole and got mad at me for getting mad at him. I ended up being the last to respond, saying, “Ya I was drunk. Over it.” I assumed he hated me as much as I hated him, and would never hear from him again.

But then he pulls this shit:

“Hey – just wanted to say sorry for being flaky when we were hanging out :( hope there are no hard feelings

I moved to bedstuy so hit me up for a drink or coffee sometime :)”

So… no apology for overreacting and being the meanest freak ever? Ok, cool. So I just said:

“No hard feelings but I don’t see us hanging out again”

To which he boringly responded:

“All good :) just wanted to reach out and say that”

  1. I bet he thinks he has repented for his sins, been forgiven for all transgressions, and can now sleep peacefully through the night. WRONG. I still think he’s a douchebag.
  2. I think he only reached out because he now lives in my neighborhood and wanted to make sure it wouldn’t be weird if we ever ran into each other. How I dread that day.
  3. Was he asking to hang out as friends? Because that is even more hilarious than him asking to go on a date again.

 

P.S. I got a refund on those miserable condoms! But they are definitely not publishing my scathing 1-star review on their site. :(

#59 Baby’s First One-Night-Stand

On Friday night, I went to a Mets game with my friend. I thought we were there to watch baseball, but she made it clear we were there to hunt down some men. And men are exactly what we found. Through a ploy to get them to give my friend one of their free giveaway jerseys, we started talking to two guys: a teacher and an anesthesiologist (which I very randomly and accurately guessed; though they first tried getting us to believe he was a member of the Blue Man Group), both 35. We chatted for a bit, and then they went to their seats, but not before my friend and the teacher swapped numbers. My friend and I celebrated over some BBQ and then headed to our own seats, buzzing on glory and cotton candy. Then the teacher texted, and we met up with them after the game at a bar outside the stadium. They bought us drinks, we chatted some more, ‘twas very fun. Then they suggested we all go back in the teacher’s car to Williamsburg. My first thought was, “THIS IS HOW YOU DIE, IN A STRANGER’S CAR!!” But I felt safe with my friend there, and was prepared to fight just in case. During the drive, and confirmed at the next bar, it turned out that the teacher was seeing someone, but the very hot anesthesiologist was not. :)

He and I danced a bit, made out a bit, swapped numbers, and went our separate ways. And then in my Lyft Line home, he started texting me, saying he was coming over the next night, and that he had been very close to coming home with me that night (not that I invited him!). I should also point out that Teacher lives in Staten Island and Anesthesiologist lives in Hoboken. Anyhoo, we texted, it was filthy and exciting, I went to bed.

On Saturday, he texts me again to tell me he’s coming over that night. So at this point, I’m thinking, “ok here we go.” But the day gets away from us and it’s unclear who is supposed to reach out to whom, and nobody comes over. I text him that night before going to bed, and we plan an “appointment” for the following day. My Sunday is pretty booked up, and I only have a gap from 3:30-5:30. So, after he drives through traffic from Hoboken (and I take a shot of tequila to calm my nerves), he arrives at my place at 4pm and we get down to business after a glass of wine. He then very kindly drops me off (in his BMW, because he’s 35 and a doctor) for my 6pm co-op shift, and I presume that’s the last time I’ll ever see him. *shrug* WORKS FOR ME!

It awkwardly took all weekend to consummate, but I’m still considering this my first one night stand—ignoring the fact that it also took place in broad daylight.

P.S. If you want any salacious details, feel free to text me. I can’t bring myself to put them in writing.
And here’s a PSA for all condom users: Sustain condoms are THE WORST THINGS EVER. They’re apparently sustainably made and non-toxic, but I’ll gladly take whatever chemicals Durex is serving up to avoid being rubbed raw from the inside out. I had originally tried Sustain condoms with Mr. Pineapple, and they were pretty dry and terrible, but I wanted to double check with Anesthesiologist. Thankfully, I had suggested he bring backup condoms. (To which he actually asked, “Do I have to wear one? You’re on birth control.” To which I responded, “OBVIOUSLY. You’re a stranger, and you have to wear one. If you don’t want to, don’t bother coming over.” And that’s when he told me he liked it when I talked aggressively. ;) So ladies, it turns out guys actually really like it when you force them into a rubber!)