#54 You’ve got to be kidding me.

Last night, I was texting with Bumble Virgin and he revealed to me that he was in THE NAVY FOR 6 YEARS. And the “longterm relationship” he was referring to was from high school. As I mentioned before, he’s not technically a Bumble virgin because I’m the second girl he’s met on Bumble. The first? They dated for 9 months! From where I’m standing in my shit pile of failed third dates, I’m simply amazed by those incredible odds.

I knew I liked him more than Queens Guy and I kneeeeeew it wasn’t going to be healthy, but my god, I was not expecting ANOTHER military man. Do they have military pheromones that I just can’t resist? WHY.

I had previously told him I’d share a good Bumble story in exchange for his story about his self-coined “unusual path,” so I told him the cliffnotes version of Army Spy, including the latest terrorizing. And now he’s trying to guess Army Spy’s identity! Because he apparently has a big profesional veterans network here and “would likely know the name.” He already weirdly knows my first ex boyfriend, so I reeeeally don’t need him establishing connections to anyone else from my regrettable past. No matter how ice cream drunk I get, I will not name names.

Speaking of exes, last night I also found out that my other ex (the one I loved, the one who mattered, the one I still like and respect) has had a girlfriend for some time now. That’s great, and I begrudge them absolutely nothing, but it did stir up a weird, 15-minute wave of ye olde emotions. And what that wave did was put into perspective how insignificant both Army Spy and Mr. Pineapple were in the grand scheme of love and life.

So yea, happy fuckin’ Tuesday.

P.S. I’m getting dinner with Queens Guy tonight.

#53 After 16 months of silence…

Saturday, June 3, 11:51pm, Army Spy texted:

“Hey there. Remember me? I’m the asshole that ghosted you. Would love to try to make up for it. Going to school in philly and just moved back to ny for the summer. Long shot but I’d love to grab a drink and catch up at some point if you’re up for it”

Every girl’s dream, right? The hottest guy you’ve ever dated, the one you felt a real connection with, the one that got away. Turns out, he’s been thinking about you these past 16 months, too! He really did like you, and really did have personal issues he had to sort through, but now he’s ready to get back in touch. You were right all along! You felt something, and so did he. And now he’s back.

Sunday, June 4, 12:59pm, I respond with a lighthearted yet suspicious Bitmoji and the following:

“As long as you’re up for a round of 20 questions”

HE DOESN’T RESPOND.

Monday, June 5, 1:09pm, I double text:

“But if your plan was to pop up and then immediately re-ghost, that’s pretty fucked up”

HE STILL HAS NOT RESPONDED. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I can’t believe how I ever fell for his perfect-faced trickery. None of it was real. He was always a fuckboi, and was probably fucking other girls while we were seeing each other. Many friends and 3rd-party observers believe he sent that same (or similar) text to all the biddies he had previously banged, and just went with whoever responded first. Some people think he’s going to pop up again, and I really hope that’s not true. Because this, in combination with my newly mandatory sedentary lifestyle, fucked me up reeeeal good for about a week.

*****

But I feel okay now. How was I to know that he was a devious shithead? I’m a hopeless romantic, and can be sweet talked just like anyone else. He’s evil, I’m amazing. That’s all there is to it.

Besides, I’ve got new guys on the roster to focus on:

  • I’ve been on 2 dates with a guy who lives in Queens (long distance relationship). He’s 31, very smart and opinionated, and has a super cute laugh, which boosts my ego every time I make a joke. We tried the Impossible burger! I tried to split the bill*, but he ended up paying for my dinner. TBD on how much chemistry we have.
  • I’ve been on 1 date with a 30-year old Bumble Virgin (meaning I’m the second person he’s met from Bumble; I really can’t say if he’s an actual virgin). Fun fact: He’s from the same town and went to high school with the older brother of my first (and now married) ex boyfriend. So far, I think I’m more interested in him of the two, but I think he just got out of a long term relationship. Jackpot. We have plans to get ice cream next weekend.
*I recently learned that my very cool, smart, beautiful, brilliant, empowered friend NEVER lets guys pay for her. And now that I can actually afford it, I’m trying to do the same in order to create a more level playing field. However, my broken toe makes it very hard for me to beat a guy to the bar or cash register, so most of my stuff has been paid for by the aforementioned men. However, I had another date last weekend (he was robotic and unexciting) and I got there first and bought my own beer. :) But then I got one more and he paid for that. :-/ BABY STEPS

#52 ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!

ARMY SPY JUST TEXTED ME. I REPEAT, ARMY SPY JUST TEXTED ME. WHATTHEFUCKKKKKKKKKK

I suspected my newly broken toe would garner me some sympathy from the dumber sex (as it has in one Lyft Line so far) but I didn’t know it would be this powerful! I’m not responding until tomorrow. Will I even be able to sleep tonight? WTFFFFFF

P.S. I was totally right about Valleyboi. Called him out on trying to ghost. Your Gut Is Always Right, Ladies!

???!!!??!??@#%&*????!!!??!??!!!

#47 Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

Mr. Pineapple came back a couple weeks ago and we’ve seen each other twice. But let’s back up a bit.

Before he left, we’d hung out 9 times, and I ended up asking him if he was dating anyone else. He said no, I said no. ‘Twas a brief convo. He left, we talked a bit, I sent him a postcard. He came back! And so did my need to ask the big questions and figure shit out. (Also, he totally saved my postcard.)

I never really wondered about “us” while we we’d be hanging out, but it plagued my brain when we were apart. So this past Friday after dinner, I worked up the courage and sweat glands to ask him to settle my confusion. I told him some things I’d been thinking (“I like you, this is fun, I wanna keep doing this, and I’m curious to know where you think this might be going”), and then made him share his thoughts with me — something he’s never ever done, hence my confusion. He told me he’s still figuring out his life ever since he moved here in July and got laid off in January and went soul searching in March (all fair points), and that he’s not sure if he wants a girlfriend or if he wants to date around or what. In fact, it turns out he is dating other people — though not yet sleeping with anyone besides me. Hoorah. I’m glad I asked, and he said he’d tell me if he does sleep with someone else. (And then obviously I’ll stop sleeping with him, but he doesn’t know that yet.)

Overall, the conversation was very good and healthy and productive, as miserably uncomfortable as it made me feel. Seriously, it was just what the doctor ordered. We continued our plans for the night and were able to have even more open conversations as well as a lot of fun, but in the morning I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was now irrevocably off. I told him that I’d leave it to him to reach out to make plans once we were both back from our respective travels in May, and he affirmed that he knows the ball is in his court. We’ve texted a bit since, but I’m stopping all initiations from here on out.

I felt nauseated and numb all weekend, and while I was drunk and hungover a lot, this felt like something different. It’s not that I thought he was my boyfriend, but I thought there was something there. Even if there was, I’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter as long as the dude is going through some internal shit (see: Army Spy).

So, now that my feelings for Mr. Pineapple are slightly shattered and I might possibly never see him again, I got back on the apps and have started talking to two guys from Hinge (each of whom knows a different friend of mine). Also, I’m on a soccer team with a pretty cute Midwestern guy who lives 15 minutes from me. :D

Besides, Mr. Pineapple is a Taurus and let’s all remember that last year I got a palm reading that said I’ll have one major love a little later in my life that will be “worth the wait.” I’m not expecting to meet him until my 30s, and I figure dating all these bozos in the meantime is great preparation for when I finally do.

Settle in, team, because I’m baaaaaack!

#40

Bathtub Lawyer tried to ghost me and I called him out on it, which led to a pretty good conversation about us both being on the same page about how this maybe doesn’t lead to us dating. A few days after that, we had a Sunday day date and it was the most platonic date of my life. I don’t even think it could be called a date; we half hugged at the end. So I thought, ok, that’s it, cool. But since then, he still gchats me and we still talk and I might be buying a laptop from his dad. We’ve both been pretty busy, but are we just friends? Are we ever hanging out again? Should I find someone new to have sex with?

ALSO, Alabama Boy popped up out of nowhere again (he popped up about 2 weeks after ghosting me the first time and then immediately re-ghosted), and I swiftly shut him down. Dickhole.

And finally, LinkedIn recently suggested I connect with Army Spy, who is now at Wharton Business School. No thanks.

 

In other news, I’m probably getting an IUD now that I basically have to. :(

#31

While I’ll never know if he was being honest or not, I think I’m starting to feel what Army Spy said about needing time alone to figure shit out. I went on one date last week, and it was perfectly pleasant, but I felt and feel nothing. As all these other areas of my life are beginning to demand my attention and involvement, I’m realizing romance is currently pretty low on my priority list. And for the first time since downloading Tinder three years ago, I sincerely thought about getting rid of all of my dating apps. Which is especially scary for me because 1) I don’t really go out, and 2) when I do, my resting bitch face makes me wholly unapproachable.

At first, I was feeling anxious and a bit down about all this inner turmoil. But then I went to an event where I got my tarot cards, palm, and astrology chart read (laugh all you want) and IT ALL MAKES SENSE. My sense of transition and transformation were confirmed, as apparently I’m on the cusp of my Saturn Return (I need to delve deeper). I was also reassured that I will not be a spinster and that the love I find will be “worth the wait,” so I’m cool to chill for a sec.

The impulse to delete my remaining apps (Bumble, The League, the piece of shit we know as Hinge) has mellowed. I still might, but I’m less desperate to do it for the sake of doing something. For now, as I focus on other things, I’m taking a laissez-faire approach to love and dating, and it’s possible you won’t hear from me for an especially long while. However, I continue to be #opentolove and I still (and always have) encourage you to introduce me to your smart&funny man friends. Thanks in advance.

#26 Mitch vs. Mitch

Date #5 with Mitch #2 was the usual amount of laid back fun. We briefly made out a couple of times, so at least we’re seeing progress. I always have fun when we hang out, but I don’t know that I’m actively excited to go out of my way to see him. Also, he’s really into booking up my schedule. After asking to hang out this weekend, I told him I’m busy (the truth), so he told me to let him know when I want to hang next. But I’ll bet anything he texts me first.

Mitch #2 is really nice and easygoing and very low pressure, but I’m just not sure what I feel. Maybe I feel nothing? In the past, I’ve swiftly developed strong feelings for people and it doesn’t pan out (read: Army Spy), so I’m not sure if this current apathy is good or bad. I can no longer trust my instincts.

 

Date #2 with Mitch #1 was also fun, but I think that’s due to the fact that he’s an extremely bubbly, fun person. We had a pretty cute kiss right before I caught my train (I could physically see the awkwardness and hesitation in his eyes — it was AMAZING), and he said he’d text me soon. However, he’s busy for the next three weekends, and doesn’t seem to hang out on weeknights. So, he doesn’t seem to have much potential, even though I’m pretty intrigued.

Overall, I’d say that I’ve kissed each Mitch up to the same level.

 

Slightly unrelated: Both Mitches have brought up the “how many people have you met online?” topic (they’re both fairly new to the scene), and I can only ever answer with: “Well, after over 2 years of online dating, people start to accumulate…” Trying my best not to come off as a digital hoho.

#19

Army Spy has been deleted for good. Besides, he’s an Aries, so it never could have worked.

Thursday night: I went on a zero expectation Bumble date, as in I agreed to go out with him after having zero conversation, which meant I had no idea what to expect. I was a little buzzed when I arrived from office happy hour, and he ended up being normal and talkative. He (let’s call him Harrison) seems smart and fun and “good.” We went to The Drink and then to Duck Duck and then to my apartment to smoke (terrible idea). He ended up spending the night, but LITERALLY nothing happened. We did not kiss at all, and when he tried to semi-cuddle as we went to bed, I said, “I think we need to sleep farther apart.” He scooted to the other side of the bed and respectfully did not come near me all night, due either to respect, passing out immediately, or both. We also did not kiss in the morning — ZERO PHYSICAL CONTACT.

Update: I’m creeping on Harrison on LinkedIn and it turns out he was in the Army……………… 1. What is this newfound fetish I apparently have? and/or why am I such a magnet? 2. Really wishing I hadn’t wasted the Army Spy nickname on the last guy, because this guy is even MORE spy-like. Damn, Harrison it is.

Another update: Harrison is very upfront, asking when he can see me again and what it is I’m looking for. It’s intense, but also extremely refreshing. We have plans to hang out on Monday, and I hope to get to the bottom of this Army stuff. I also hope he reminds me what we talked about during my inebriation.

Today: I have just now returned from a freezing cold but very fun date with a Bumble boy we shall call YoungerMan. First we got coffee, then we went to the Museum of Food and Drink, and then to Brooklyn Brewery. He’s super cute and funny and we had a great 4.5 hour date. We kissed goodbye and we want to see each other again.

As you can see, I’m 2 for 2 this week, which is both insane and uplifting. It should be noted that Harrison is 30 (oldest I’ve ever dated) and Younger Man is 24 (class of 2014, the same young year as my ex). I also had plans with another Bumble guy tonight, but I asked for a rain check due to the frigid weather. Tomorrow is V-day and I’m taking myself to see The Hateful Eight.

#18

Last week’s date with Girls Writer was fine, but there won’t be a second. Fun fact: I accidentally ordered an 11% beer as my first beverage and was very confused when I had double vision halfway through my second (normal percentage) beer.

I received a creatively gross message on OkCupid last week: “Hi I’m Jon, How are you? You look great with a lovely figure. 24cm” …PRETTY sure he’s telling me he has a huge dick, and I obviously had to look up the conversion.

 

OH…and…I texted Army Spy this evening. 4 weeks was long enough. My message was very honest, nice, and not aggressive at all — I swear. (Ask, and I’ll show you.) Basically, I laid my cards and feelings on the table, and simply asked if he had any desire to see me again. (He’s been looking at my Snapchat stories, but I also know he’s been updating his Bumble profile, so…mixed messages.) That was almost three hours ago, and he hasn’t responded. I’m trying to remain optimistic (I’ve given up pessimism for Lent, btw), but I am afraid he’ll disappoint me and do exactly what he told me he wouldn’t. I’m giving him until bedtime tomorrow before I completely erase him from my phone and social media.

Regardless of if and how he responds, I’m glad I did this. I feel that too often we women are made to think that we’re not allowed to reach out first, not allowed to be honest about our feelings, and not allowed to call guys out on treating us like a disposable piece of trash. I can only hope that by treating them like humans, and acting like one too, it can do at least something to stop us all from turning into a generation of fearful, unfeeling ghosts.

As hard as it is to believe sometimes, I know I’m too great to end up alone. And that goes for all of you, too.

#17

I’ve decided that I’m probably going to reach out to Army Spy on February 16th, which is when Mercury is back to its former grade and glory and exactly 5 weeks after my last conversation with him (as well as exactly 2 months since we last saw each other). I’m sure things could change, but my plan is to basically get a definitive yes or no on whether or not he ever wants to see me again. He owes me that.

In the meantime, here are some dates I’ve been on:

  • Sunday, Jan 24 @7pm with a guy from OkCupid: He was nice, cute, and smart, but we had zero chemistry and I’m happy it ended after only an hour. I paid for my drink. 
  • Thursday, Jan 28 @7pm with VirginiaTech from Hinge: Nickname is because he’s from Virginia, and works as a computer engineer; he did not go to that school, though. He was really funny and nice to talk to (we even got into zero waste living and sustainability, so that was pretty fun for me) but after three hours and three beers on an empty stomach, I started to grow weary. I think we’ll have a second date, but TBD if that leads to a third.
  • Friday, Jan 29, not a date: I went to a college friend’s birthday party, and gave my number to and very briefly made out with another guy who went to our college. However, I don’t think I’ll hear from him because he seems like the type who only makes the effort to suggest you stay in the cab and come over at 5am, which I politely declined.

Potential dates with low potential:

  • On Monday and on Friday I was supposed to meet up with Jersey Ginger from Hinge. He was sick on Monday, so we pushed it to Friday, and then neither of us reached out. I texted him Saturday offering a third chance, but he’s not responding. Oh whell.
  • George Costanza from Bumble (he works at the Yankees) said he is only looking for friends/casual, and I’m (still) in no position to turn down friends. My schedule got busy and then he got douchey. We will not be seeing each other.
  • On Wednesday, I’m supposed to get a drink with a writer from Girls. He’s already been out with two of my work friends (he’s a friend of my boss’s sister), so I feel suuuuuuuuuper special. We have only interacted via my work email address.

 

In conclusion: UGH.