As a newly matured, 25-year-old woman, these are my updates:

  1. I’m going to Party Gent’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving. Before you FREAKTHEFUCKOUT, it’s just as friends AND two other guy friends are going, too. However, he did offer me birthday sex, so I’m pretty happy I was out of town—and I hope he never brings it up again.
  2. I saw The Comedian for the first time in quite some time last week. So that’s another reason/reminder why I don’t want to sleep with the less-than-spectacular Party Gent again.
  3. Baseball Boy says he’ll be in town the first week of December. Third date??? Mixed feelings because now he becomes real again. And I still don’t know when exactly he’s moving back for good.
  4. In general, I’m feeling pretty burnt out by all these gosh dang dating apps (as I assume most of my peers are), soooo there’s that. Still truckin’ though!


Literally just got home from my third Party Gent date. We got dinner, rode the vespa, drank with his roommates… and then I walked home this morning.

Balloon Boy texted earlier this week and asked me out, for DINNER. And I actually said yes, so that’s supposed to happen on Tuesday. (Btw, the balloon is still afloat!! It’s been a full week!)

And, Baseball Boy and I are still in contact.


The Hinge date on Sunday was ugly and boring, but not the worst date I’ve ever been on. Obviously there will be no #2.

Baseball Boy and I are following each other on Instagram. So basically, we’re going steady. ;)

Unless I have a sexy rendezvous with a lifeguard in San Diego (my literal dream for the past 13 summers which has never yet come to fruition), don’t expect to hear anything until at least post Labor Day.


My date with Baseball Boy last Friday was really nice and fun and cheering. Overall, I feel positive about our extremely short-lived relationship, but also a bit like I have the worst luck ever. He moved yesterday and I told him to keep in touch. He said he “will definitely” and that I’m “an amazing girl” and he can only hope that I’m single when he gets back (with the emoji with hearts for eyes). Little does he know… I probably will be! Haha.

I forgot to mention that last week my boss took over my Hinge account. She edited some photos, rewrote my bio, and is now in charge of deciding yes/no and chatting up my matches. She said she’s gonna find me a boyfriend. I told her good luck. (To be clear, this is me not having faith in men—particularly men on Hinge. I have plenty of faith that I’m the smartest, hottest, coolest, funniest, most amazing girl on the market. Ask Baseball Boy if you don’t believe me.) So far, I’m not sure we have the same taste in men; after all, she did marry a woman. But, I do have tentative plans for a Hinge date on Sunday. I think my boss is more excited about this guy than I am, though.

In Bumble news, I matched with this guy: https://instagram.com/imnotathirdwheel/

Also, after a little over two years, I finally deleted Tinder. And I don’t miss it.

So, now, I have two fewer apps to worry about. What will I do with all my spare time??


August 13, 2015 @9:12pm

So, Charcuterie Boy eventually texted me back last Friday, and we had a few nice long chats including one in which I discovered he already has a bitmoji (aka the key to my heart). We talked about going out on Tuesday, but when I checked in with him that day he was busy with work and couldn’t meet up. He asked if I could do later in the week, and we both excitedly agreed on Thursday in the LES at 9:30pm. But as you can clearly see, I am actually currently being FLAKED ON. Yup. #calledit

I also texted Baseball Dude over the weekend and we also made plans to hang out this week (Friday). And that’s even after he told me that he’s moving to London at the end of the month. It’s only until the end of the year, but still, a pretty big curveball (pun fully intended!!!). He claimed to really want to hang out, even after I offered him an easy out, but I still fully expect to be flaked on two days in a row.

As for the boy in my office, he says he never had Happn… and so the plot thickens.


August 14, 2015

Charcuterie Boy has not and will never be heard from again.

I guess Baseball Boy is not flaking on me (but probably only because I felt the need to reach out this morning in the sense of I’m-not-going-to-wait-around-for-my-life-to-start). But I’m already regretting doing that because this is clearly a dead end. We’re meeting later for what I’m considering our final date, and I couldn’t be less enthused. I wish my brain was better about making up its mind (and less ego-centric) so that I could go home instead.

LE SIGH. Feeling pretty jaded, disillusioned, and crappy in general today. :D


I haven’t heard from baseball/girlfriend dude in over a week, but I’ve also been crazy busy and maybe he could sense that. I’ll reach out this weekend, though I expect him to either not respond or respond with a bullshit excuse. #optimistic

Charcuterie Boy is currently on vacation, but we’ve chatted a wee bit. When he originally asked me out, telling me it would have to wait until after he came back from family vacay, I called him out and said this would be a good test to see if he’d actually remember to follow up and make the date. He thought that was ridiculous! But I’d love for him to prove me wrong. So far, he’s not. It’s been almost 24 hours since I asked him a question… Assuming I continue to hear nothing, I’ll make one final attempt at contact upon his return. Consider my charcuterie dreams dashed.

Earlier this week, I noticed a very familiar looking boy in the section of our office where smaller companies rent workspace. I knew I knew him from somewhere but could not figure out from where! Today, I approached him. He also thought I looked familiar! But we didn’t go to the same college, and we don’t live in the same neighborhood. He just started working in this office, but said he also used to work around the corner, so maybe we’ve just seen each other on the street? Perhaps… but we both weren’t taking that for an answer, and so I kept hunting. No connections on LinkedIn. No mutual friends on Facebook. And then I decided to check my various dating apps. He wasn’t on Tinder, Bumble, or Hinge. Which meant I had seen him on Happn, the one that is supposed to connect you with people you’ve crossed paths with (Tinder meets Craigslist Missed Connections). It’s a piece of shit app so I couldn’t search for his name or scroll back far enough to find his photo, but I am certain that that’s where he’s from. So, next week I plan on revealing this mildly mutually embarrassing information to him. Wouldn’t THAT be ironic if we kept seeing each other on that app, never matched or talked, and then actually ended up going out because we actually work in the same office? Oh wait, that’s how dating used to work.


It was a new year, and I had resolutions. Except that when I saw the cute boy at my coworker’s birthday party, I remained sober and silent. So the next week I told the birthday girl to pass along my info to said boy. She did, and that was that. Nuthin.

Then I met a vegetarian from Hinge who went to college with some high school friends of mine. I met all of his friends on the second date, slept over (nuthin), and spent the following day watching the entire season of Transparent with him and his friends—ALL DAY. Then it fizzled pretty quick when he said he wanted to be friends—fine. Remember, vegetarian. This was all within 2 weeks.

In February (after V-day of course), I met Paul (I don’t really have a nickname for him…). He works in Dumbo too, so we met for a morning coffee before work. He texted me A LOT. Which is great, unless that’s all you do. We went on one more date where we ate poutine and pickles; it ended in a donut, but no kiss. It continued/fizzled strictly via text from then on. I’ve already awkwardly-seen-and-tried-to-avoid him twice in the subway going to and from work. Thanks, Happn.

March passed by pretty uneventfully, despite meeting two single NYC banker boys while in Vegas.

In April, I met a funny boy through Hinge who turned out to be a comedian. We have since been casually and very sporadically popping in and out of each other’s beds. (Please note: aside from this, I think Hinge is completely worthless.)

The week I came back from Argentina in June, I went out with a Jewish Doctor Who Has a French Bulldog. We had matched on Tinder last fall; I had given him my number and he never texted. Long story short: we met a week or two after he moved to NYC for residency. I had four drinks, including a suggested tequila shot… which means I was wasted. We briefly made out on a street corner but he was, in my opinion, too muscley for his stature and I wasn’t that into it. Very nice guy and great to talk to, though. We texted once or twice but never made plans to hang out again.

This was partially due to the fact that right before meeting Jewish Doctor, I had matched on Bumble with THE BOY FROM THE BIRTHDAY PARTY. I messaged him, he took two days to respond, and then we got into a nice, but brief conversation. I was eager and asked him out. He exclaimed and agreed! Our 3.5 hour/3 drink date was objectively amazing for both parties. Unfortunately, it was all downhill from there, despite having a second 5-hour date—2 of which were spent on his couch talking, and ONLY talking. He tried to quit it with the “ack my schedule got crazy, I can’t meet.” But when I boldly checked in about hanging a week later, he went with The Classic: silence and pretending to not exist. I sure hope we don’t run into each other at a party thrown by my coworker again… :) And, obviously, I never asked why he never put my number to use way back when.

Just last week, I went on a date with another guy from Bumble. We didn’t talk much upfront but he seemed cool and direct. We went to an awesome speakeasy and he was great! Very fun to talk to and it seemed we had a lot in common (mostly baseball). No kiss, but we agreed to do it again sometime. THEN, I decided to stalk him on Instagram… where I discovered that just 10 weeks prior (and possibly even more recently) he had a girlfriend of 2ish years. I obviously don’t know what the situation is, but now I’m healthily wary. We discussed hanging out this past Wednesday but he had to cancel due to work and preparing for a trip—he asked for a “rain check” (classic baseball move). TBD, but I’m not expecting to hear from him ever again, a la boyfromthebirthdayparty.

There have been a couple other dates in the past couple weeks (even one last night), but they were nothing to write home about—so I won’t.

Also, there may be a charcuterie date in my future. To be continued.

This inaugural entry should be the longest you’ll ever have to read.

Thank you,

and Welcome to…

The Amusement, Bemusement, & Crap of Dating

by Emily F!@#in’ G.