Last week, I got dinner with Queens Guy. It was almost like living in any other normal city because he picked me up and dropped me off in a Car2Go! He refused to let me split the bill, but at least I tried. It was enjoyable, but I don’t feel a spark, so I don’t think I should go out with him again. Our texting seems to already be fizzling, so maybe he feels the nothing too; but I’ll of course say something if I have to.

On Sunday, I got ice cream and pierogies (weird fuckin’ coma-inducing combo) with Navy Guy (formerly known as Bumble Virgin). We’ve only had two very brief day dates, so there’s been ZERO kissing, just half hugs… We’ve been texting a fair amount, and of course I’m smitten because I apparently can’t resist a man in uniform (what a cliche I am! I repulse myself!). However, I can’t gauge his interest in me, and I’m currently in limbo because the last text I sent him yesterday morning still hasn’t been” delivered”… My guess—due to detective work on Bumble and my own run-amok imagination—is that he got mugged at Penn Station on his way to Albany for the week, resulting in his phone lying dead on a subway track. I plan on texting him a breezy, holiday-related text on Friday to make sure he also didn’t die.

Mostly unrelated note to self: It’s great that you’ve stopped smoking with guys, but for the love of god please also stop texting with them while high. It’s just as bad.

#54 You’ve got to be kidding me.

Last night, I was texting with Bumble Virgin and he revealed to me that he was in THE NAVY FOR 6 YEARS. And the “longterm relationship” he was referring to was from high school. As I mentioned before, he’s not technically a Bumble virgin because I’m the second girl he’s met on Bumble. The first? They dated for 9 months! From where I’m standing in my shit pile of failed third dates, I’m simply amazed by those incredible odds.

I knew I liked him more than Queens Guy and I kneeeeeew it wasn’t going to be healthy, but my god, I was not expecting ANOTHER military man. Do they have military pheromones that I just can’t resist? WHY.

I had previously told him I’d share a good Bumble story in exchange for his story about his self-coined “unusual path,” so I told him the cliffnotes version of Army Spy, including the latest terrorizing. And now he’s trying to guess Army Spy’s identity! Because he apparently has a big profesional veterans network here and “would likely know the name.” He already weirdly knows my first ex boyfriend, so I reeeeally don’t need him establishing connections to anyone else from my regrettable past. No matter how ice cream drunk I get, I will not name names.

Speaking of exes, last night I also found out that my other ex (the one I loved, the one who mattered, the one I still like and respect) has had a girlfriend for some time now. That’s great, and I begrudge them absolutely nothing, but it did stir up a weird, 15-minute wave of ye olde emotions. And what that wave did was put into perspective how insignificant both Army Spy and Mr. Pineapple were in the grand scheme of love and life.

So yea, happy fuckin’ Tuesday.

P.S. I’m getting dinner with Queens Guy tonight.

#53 After 16 months of silence…

Saturday, June 3, 11:51pm, Army Spy texted:

“Hey there. Remember me? I’m the asshole that ghosted you. Would love to try to make up for it. Going to school in philly and just moved back to ny for the summer. Long shot but I’d love to grab a drink and catch up at some point if you’re up for it”

Every girl’s dream, right? The hottest guy you’ve ever dated, the one you felt a real connection with, the one that got away. Turns out, he’s been thinking about you these past 16 months, too! He really did like you, and really did have personal issues he had to sort through, but now he’s ready to get back in touch. You were right all along! You felt something, and so did he. And now he’s back.

Sunday, June 4, 12:59pm, I respond with a lighthearted yet suspicious Bitmoji and the following:

“As long as you’re up for a round of 20 questions”


Monday, June 5, 1:09pm, I double text:

“But if your plan was to pop up and then immediately re-ghost, that’s pretty fucked up”


I can’t believe how I ever fell for his perfect-faced trickery. None of it was real. He was always a fuckboi, and was probably fucking other girls while we were seeing each other. Many friends and 3rd-party observers believe he sent that same (or similar) text to all the biddies he had previously banged, and just went with whoever responded first. Some people think he’s going to pop up again, and I really hope that’s not true. Because this, in combination with my newly mandatory sedentary lifestyle, fucked me up reeeeal good for about a week.


But I feel okay now. How was I to know that he was a devious shithead? I’m a hopeless romantic, and can be sweet talked just like anyone else. He’s evil, I’m amazing. That’s all there is to it.

Besides, I’ve got new guys on the roster to focus on:

  • I’ve been on 2 dates with a guy who lives in Queens (long distance relationship). He’s 31, very smart and opinionated, and has a super cute laugh, which boosts my ego every time I make a joke. We tried the Impossible burger! I tried to split the bill,* but he ended up paying for my dinner. TBD on how much chemistry we have.
  • I’ve been on 1 date with a 30-year old Bumble Virgin (meaning I’m the second person he’s met from Bumble; I really can’t say if he’s an actual virgin). Fun fact: He’s from the same town and went to high school with the older brother of my first (and now married) ex boyfriend. So far, I think I’m more interested in him of the two, but I think he just got out of a long term relationship. Jackpot. We have plans to get ice cream next weekend.
*I recently learned that my very cool, smart, beautiful, brilliant, empowered friend NEVER lets guys pay for her. And now that I can actually afford it, I’m trying to do the same in order to create a more level playing field. However, my broken toe makes it very hard for me to beat a guy to the bar or cash register, so most of my stuff has been paid for by the aforementioned men. However, I had another date last weekend (he was robotic and unexciting) and I got there first and bought my own beer. :) But then I got one more and he paid for that. :-/ BABY STEPS