#87

1. The guy who likes pugs had to last-minute postpone our date (I was drinking with friends and did not mind at all), and I haven’t heard from him since. Woohoo!

2. LBD and I went to see If Beale Street Could Talk on Sunday night, and the adorable romance of the movie made it clear to me that we are nowhere near that level of chemistry. I think he picked up on my lackluster vibes, because I haven’t heard from him since. Shrug!

3. Last week, I went out with a guy with long hair—and I just got back from our second date (I’m a little drunk). I’m usually not into long hair AT ALL, and I’m still not sure if we have any chemistry (we haven’t kissed), but he is super funny and nice. For those of you wondering, his hair is about shoulder length, looks very clean, and is kind of wavy. When I asked if he ever puts it up, he said “man buns are the modern-day mullet.” I died laughing, and couldn’t agree more. Also, we ran into one of my old coworkers, who sat next to us with his friends for the duration of the date.

4. On a slightly more philosophical note, I think I’m not that interested in dating at the moment. The fact that I am in the midst of figuring out my career and trying to make sure I can pay rent (in case you didn’t hear, I quit my job) means I have very little patience for the average bozo. If a guy wants to chase me down and make me fall in love with him, so be it. I’m always happy to meet new people and have fun, but I definitely do not have the time or energy to devote to dissecting texts or wondering if a guy is obsessed with me. If he’s not, he’s an idiot.

#86

Before the holidays, I had an odd date at a fancy bar in Manhattan. I had come from watching my friend’s amateur improv show, and was feeling especially quippy. Throughout the entire date, I couldn’t tell if the guy was being sarcastic or not, so I responded with the full force of my sass. But he asked thought-provoking questions, and I’d say it was an overall enjoyable experience. On the walk to the subway, we discovered that we both love pugs. Then he surprised me with an extremely fast and awkward kiss—he basically pecked my tooth—and asked if I’d want to hang out again. I said sure, but was kind of hoping he’d forget. We have a tentative date tomorrow.  

After 4 weeks of not seeing each other, I got dinner with Literal Blind Date (LBD) this past Friday. After 4 months of not having sex, I had cleaned my apartment beforehand just in case. He came over after dinner, and the sex was… very polite. I’m not sure if it was due to lack of chemistry, him holding back, or my dry af, free condoms, but I actually thought to myself, “is this what bad sex is?” It made me nostalgic for Diet Coke Dealer (the passion, not the moderate emotional torture), and it reminded me of the lesson I learned when things ended with Mr. Pineapple:

Because he knew about these emails, I never shared many details about the sex I had with Mr. Pineapple—but it was pretty lame. He wasn’t into foreplay (he actually said that), the sex was plain, and he never made me orgasm. Then, the last night we hung out (after our big DTR conversation), he revealed to me that he’s actually very kinky and keeps a box of BDSM toys under his bed. Shocked, I asked why he’d been forcing us to have such boring sex with each other, and he said he didn’t want to freak me out.

I was still fairly inexperienced back then and didn’t necessarily know what I wanted, but that experience really drove home the importance of bedroom communication. I’ll obviously give LBD another chance—at his place, with his condoms, and whatever box of secrets he might be hiding—but I’m also prepared to accept that we might just not be compatible.

**In the meantime, can anyone recommend a condom they like? Clean/non-toxic options are preferred—but before you suggest Sustain, please see my scathing review of those in email #59.

#85

I ended up seeing Literal Blind Date on Thursday and Sunday. On Thursday, I pregamed our dinner date with my friend who was also going on a date and we accidentally had 3.5 beers each, so I was drunk upon arrival. Oops! But I think I played it cool. On Sunday, we met at a bar in Brooklyn for a 5pm meal and a rousing game of Scrabble, which I won. He’s going to Iceland with his mom on Wednesday (aw) and returns the day I fly home for Xmas, so we planned to reconvene in 2019. Famous last words? It sure as fuck wouldn’t be the first time. But our relaxed momentum is a welcome change of pace, and I have plenty of other things to fret over.

In other news, I think Mr. Red Socks was also not feeling the vibes, and I thankfully haven’t heard from him since.

#84

I went on a second date with Mr. Red Socks on Wednesday. We got tacos and went to a mezcal speakeasy, and he told me he voted for Mitt Romney (he “experimented” in college by trying out Republicanism). In the words of a wise friend: “Red socks, red scarf, red values, red flag.” Politics aside, it was a pleasant date, but I don’t think I’m feeling much of a spark. I think that’s partly due to the fact that…

On Tuesday, I had a very fun first date. Before meeting, our Hinge convo revolved around S Club 7, The Spice Girls, and Beanie Babies—already off to a very compatible start. I was running a few minutes behind and he waited outside the bar for me, which was oddly nice because it’s winter. The bar ended up being too crowded so we walked to another place down the block. The hostess of this dimly lit wine bar pointed us to a table in the back, and he seemed confused. That’s when he told me that he had gone to the eye doctor earlier in the day, and he still couldn’t fully see. I joked that he was on a literal blind date, and then realized I was now in charge of reading the menu for us. Our 4-hour date ended with a walk to the subway station and a brief, surprisingly good makeout. No idea if he actually knows what I look like, but we are going out again this Tuesday. TBD if he’ll get an invite to my company’s holiday party on Friday.