#52 ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!

ARMY SPY JUST TEXTED ME. I REPEAT, ARMY SPY JUST TEXTED ME. WHATTHEFUCKKKKKKKKKK

I suspected my newly broken toe would garner me some sympathy from the dumber sex (as it has in one Lyft Line so far) but I didn’t know it would be this powerful! I’m not responding until tomorrow. Will I even be able to sleep tonight? WTFFFFFF

P.S. I was totally right about Valleyboi. Called him out on trying to ghost. Your Gut Is Always Right, Ladies!

???!!!??!??@#%&*????!!!??!??!!!

#51

After three weeks of A LOT of pretty flirtatious texting, I finally saw vaLLeyBoi818 on Sunday. We went for tacos and drank beer in my backyard. Then we made out and he had to leave. We might be doing something this weekend, but I can’t shake the all-too-accurate feeling that he’s lost interest. Whatthefuck-ever.

 

Two weeks ago, Pineapple slightly redeemed himself by officially ending our situation:

“Hey—we talked about ending things directly rather than letting them fade. You’re wonderful and I enjoyed getting to know you, but for me it’s time to move on.”

I responded with the classic,

“Ditto.”

 

I’ve never had much luck during summer (I can only assume it’s because I’m too intimidatingly tan and beautiful), so perhaps you won’t hear a ton from me in these coming months. Happy trails to you!

#49

Coworker’s Friend seems to have lost interest just as fast as things were moving (3 dates in 1 week). We made dinner at his apartment on Tuesday, and got to a point where I had to inform him that my pants weren’t coming off (Diva Cup). Everything seemed fun and normal, but then the next day there was a drastic falling off in our texting, and we didn’t hang out this weekend while he dog sat, like he said we should. The fact that this all happened immediately after he saw me without a shirt on is disheartening. Cool! Oh Well!

I was supposed to see Valleyboi818 on Saturday, but he got sick. We won’t be seeing each other until Memorial Day Weekend since I’m going out of town next weekend and his weekdays are busy this month. He’s very fun to talk to and I’m excited for a second date. I am, however, prepared in case he ends up being a fuckboi, because he seems like maybe he could. But right now, I don’t care.

Speaking of fuckbois! Pineapple texted me to neither hang out nor have a real conversation. Waste of my liiiife. If only deleting someone from your phone worked to send them an actual notification of deletion. I totally should have kept his airplant.

#48

Everyone wanted to hold my hand this weekend, eczema and all.

I’m back from Cuba, where I befriended a 22-year-old, the-best-dancer-ever Cuban model. But we’re taking things slow. Like, no besos slow. Sorry to disappoint.

Before leaving for my Cuban adventure, I started talking to two guys on Hinge. I have since met them both: two dates with my coworker’s friend, and one date with Valleyboi.

Coworker’s Friend: 31, so obsessed with music and yet doesn’t even care that I physically can’t answer the question, “so what kind of music do you listen to?” He’s a bit awkward (but so am I 65% of the time), but he’s super sweet and funny and he somehow managed to kiss me on the subway (my least favorite locale for that activity) without making me cringe. I’m going to his apartment for dinner tomorrow, but so is my Diva Cup.

Valleyboi: my age, my area code, and we were talking about poo long before we met in person. After two CF dates, I wasn’t particularly excited about this one, but he surprised me. Very smart (in med school), very funny, with an unexpected dose of sex appeal. Tentative plans to hang out on Saturday.

 

Pineapple, WHO??

Mr. Pineapple went to Peru to take ayahuasca while I was gone and he should be back now, but I doubt I’ll hear from him and I don’t even care. Because going down on a woman is table stakes, dude, and we ALL need to remember that.