#96 Long Time, No Sex

My October of weddings was a blast, but ultimately a bust. I got the closest at wedding #1, where I danced a lot with another guest, but he fell asleep (somehow, standing up) on the shuttle bus back into town. He is not to be confused with Coworker’s Friend, who was also in attendance because it was the wedding of said coworker. We shared a few minutes of mandatory small talk, and then didn’t interact much after that thanks to responsible seating charts and me ignoring any potential eye contact. As for weddings #2 and #3, I achieved nothing aside from a fresh batch of dating profile pics… Because for fear I might have lost the ability to date, I recently redownloaded Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder. (The faux-feminist Bumble is still my least favorite because the men on there are lazy and entitled while we women have to put in all the effort—but maybe I’m just sour because it’s been the least fruitful.)

Last Friday, I went on a sober yet surprisingly enjoyable date with a Midwestern Jew from Hinge. Without prying too much in the first 20 minutes of our date, I gleaned enough information to reassure myself that he’s not a relentless addict like DCD. However, without knowing the full backstory of why he doesn’t drink, I have not eliminated the possibility that his sobriety could be a red flag. We got tea, walked around, ate pizza, and then I had to run onto the subway before we could kiss. The next day, he texted “good morning” and basically has not stopped texting me since—which, honestly, never bodes well. But the week of attention was fun, and we even acknowledged the lack of kiss; so, I was excited to see him again this past Saturday. We went to a morning movie and then got lunch at a Jewish diner (not a traditional makeout-inducing course of events, but ya never know). We briefly held hands during the movie, which he both initiated and ended, twice (???). After lunch, he walked me to the subway and we had an even more awkward non-kiss goodbye. Afterwards—over text, of course—we again acknowledged the lack of kiss, and I told him it was his fault. He doesn’t seem to know when/how to make a move, and I’m starting to worry he has no game. But the more he texts me, the harder it is to extricate myself from the situation, and it’s starting to feel like I’ll have to “break up” with him before we’ve even kissed. Normally, I would hope/expect for the texting to die down over Thanksgiving, but I really don’t see him relinquishing my attention that easily.

In similar news, I went to a fundraiser on Thursday and ended up talking to a guy who was a year older than me in college. We moved in the same circles (I frequented his frat’s parties), but we didn’t know each other. I do not find him attractive, but he was fun to chat with while I waited for my friend (who ended up never showing lol). He asked for my number, and it felt weird to say no, but now he’s texting me a lot, too, and I don’t know how to prevent him from asking me out. I never thought I’d ask this, but HOW DO I TACTFULLY GET GUYS TO STOP TEXTING ME???

On a lighter/weirder note, I matched with a self-proclaimed astrologist on Tinder (truly the only reason I swiped right). He invited me out for drinks on Friday and we spent a couple bizarrely interesting hours together. He’s a super intuitive Pisces, and it was basically free therapy with wine. I even learned about my Mars in Gemini, which provides insight into the type of man/relationship one is attracted to (spooky stuff!). When he texted me the next day saying he honestly didn’t know if I “liked his vibe,” I told him I did, but just as friends. He responded: “that makes sense actually.” Lolzzzz

After years of dating so many different types of weirdos, I’m slooowly starting to realize (and be able to articulate) what I do and do not want in a partner. Better late than never, right?

#95

Remember the Older Dude from the Circular City Week events, with whom I drank to escape Phabio? (By older, I was assuming early 40s.) He and I professionally kept in touch, and got coffee a few weeks later. Then, in May, he invited me to grab day drinks in our neighborhood. Unlike my friends, I wasn’t sure if he meant it as a date; but just to be clear that it wasn’t, I wore no makeup and told him I had to go grocery shopping afterwards (which I did!). Despite a lower-back-touch that I had to quickly wiggle away from, and a declined invitation to continue drinking on his roof, I think I did a pretty good job of establishing our friend zone. I deflected a few follow-up invites, and then didn’t hear from him again until he asked me to get drinks last weekend. He’s cool, and I assumed our age difference was enough to solidify the friendship boundaries, so I accepted. (His age has since been confirmed as 46.) Unbeknownst to him, we met up after I’d spent the afternoon drinking multiple tiki drinks at my friend’s party, but I think I managed to come off as deceptively sober. After two cocktails that I definitely didn’t need, he walked me to where I was meeting up with some other friends. He left, and we girls got ice cream! It was a perfect day of friendly socializing.

The next day, he texts me:

Nice to see you last night. How was the rest of your night? So, the few times we’ve met it’s been in this somewhat professional zone. However, I’d like to take you on a proper date sometime. You’re lovely company :)

Before you say “aww,” you should know that he has a roommate—an automatic loss of points for anyone trying to date me. Plusssss, I have the rest of my life to date 40-somethings—and only an ever-shrinking window to cradle-rob 20-somethings!

I responded:

That’s very sweet, but I have to decline. I’m interested in someone else right now.

He said:

Understood!

And that was that!

Who am I actually interested in? The Psychiatrist (31), who won’t text me back or make plans to see me again—of course!

#93

A few weeks ago, I went on a strange first date (he asked if I was an artist, if I considered myself a hipster, and if I’d ever run away from home). That more or less finalized my decision to deactivate my Hinge account, and I am now officially off all dating apps, with no plans to sign back up. It feels great!! Leading up to this, all I had been doing was sporadically talking to a few guys that I wasn’t even excited about. In fact, when one of the odder ones suggested we meet up, I unmatched from him rather than agree to a date I knew would be miserable.

Little did I know I’d run into him at a bar while out with my friends this weekend! LOL. We had literally just arrived when I squeezed into an open spot at the bar to fetch us all drinks. The guy on the adjacent stool started talking to me (he said my “sorry” didn’t sound very genuine, and I told him he was right), but I was trying to make eye contact with one of the bartenders and order. I could feel him staring at me, so I made a bit of conversation while I waited for our drinks, and then moved away from the crowded bar as soon as I got them. Back with my friends, I told them I was pretty sure I had matched, chatted, and unmatched with the guy at the bar. We chalked it up to a kooky coincidence and allowed ourselves to be approached by the many other male bar patrons. A little while later, the same guy from the bar/Hinge approached me, said I looked familiar, and asked if we knew each other from somewhere. I told him we had matched on Hinge; he remembered me, and how I unmatched him (lol). I told him I actually deleted my entire profile, skirting the fact that I had first deleted our match. As usual, my instincts were right! After politely conversing for a few minutes, he could not pick up on the hint that my friends and I wanted to hang out without him, and he proceeded to awkwardly linger and STARE AT ME, neither attempting to make conversation nor leaving us alone. As he fiiiinally finished his beer, my friend asked if I wanted to join her at the bar to order more drinks, and I agreed, fully ignoring and leaving him behind. The move was a lie, and my friend confirmed he left the establishment as soon as we walked away, leaving us all relieved to be free of the dually dull and creepy cockblock. Hooray!

#91

I had two first dates last week that were both fun, but I don’t really care to see either guy again.

  • The first guy is a theater kid who’s obsessed with Starkid (and thinks I’m really cool for being associated with them) and karaoke, and tried to pressure/shame me into a Monday night karaoke second date. When he wasn’t running his hand through his own hair, he touched my knee a lot; then he walked me home but didn’t try to kiss me. All in all, I’m skeptical about his enthusiasm for vaginas.
  • The second guy was nice and funny, but a little basic. We went to a dimly lit champagne lounge (not.my.vibe) where we made out briefly, but he opened his mouth way too wide. I got duped into going further uptown, where he invited me to “watch something” at his apartment. I declined, we got food instead, and he was impressed that “unlike most girls,” I didn’t order a salad. Who orders just salad at a Thai restaurant?

I don’t know if I’ve maxed out my “luck” on dating apps after 5 years, but I think I need to stop going out with random strangers I meet online. Or maybe I’ll re-download Tinder first, just to be sure. Regardless, I fully intend on meeting someone at one of the many weddings I now have on my horizon—so to all my brides-to-be, don’t give your single guy friends a plus one.

#89

I went on a Hinge date last Thursday and it was fine; the highlight was eating pickled eggs. As soon as he texted a few days later, I told him I didn’t want seconds.

2 weeks ago, I went to House of Yes, and within 20 minutes of being there, a guy wearing ski goggles asked if I could put on his glow stick bracelet for him. My friend was already disappearing into the crowd, so I adorned him as fast as possible as he asked my name and told me he’d buy me a drink later. He eventually found me and came through on that offer. He’s Brazilian, objectively good looking, but I can’t take him seriously with a name that… “rhymes” with… Phabio. I didn’t want to hang out with him all night so I gave him my number and went off to join my friends. He lurked a bit, but eventually got the hint that I didn’t want to dance—especially when I told him I hate EDM. He texted the following week and asked me out. I was dreading the date, but it turned out to be not so bad. He was cool to talk to, an excellent gentleman, and very accepting of my hippie dippie ways. Also I found out he’s 35—which doesn’t matter, but was shocking nonetheless. Am i excited to see him again? Not particularly, but I figure maybe it’s worth a second chance.

Tonight, I went on a Hinge date that lasted 37 minutes. Not my record for shortest date (28 mins), but very close. Making conversation was a painful endeavor. Bleh, just blehhhhh.

And it all got me thinking. It’s one thing to be OTL (open to love), but lately I feel like I’m just going out with any dingdong that asks. Shouldn’t I be excited? Shouldn’t I be remotely attracted? I’m trying to give app boys a chance because maybe it’s not their fault their photos are bad, but also maybe I should just trust my shallow gut. I’m worried I’ve lowered my standards to dangerously low levels, and I think I need to be truer to my picky, judgemental self.

I’m proud of myself for making an IRL connection, but I’m not sure what I did to deserve it aside from wearing half a shirt and no bra. I’m all booked up for the next week, so I have a solid excuse for not seeing Phabio for a while. But if I’m talking like that, I probably shouldn’t go out with him again, right?

#88

About 2 weeks ago, I went on a third date with the long haired guy, and it was confirmed that we have no romantic chemistry whatsoever (we never kissed). We went to Barcade, and it was a nice reminder of how fun that place is. Who wants to play pinball with me sometime?

Since then, I’ve been on two dates with a chemistry teacher. Our first date was a Saturday night dinner, and I accidentally got very drunk—classic me! He was fun (but who isn’t when I’m wasted?) and we kissed at the end. Our second date was last night and he was 30 minutes late because he was playing a board game with friends. [I’m sure you can visualize my facial expression.] He made up for his lateness by monologuing and mansplaining all night, mostly about obscure science topics. On the walk home, he complained about how cold he was, and I told him to grab a cab if he saw one since we were walking in the opposite direction of his apartment. He insisted on walking me all the way home, and I suffered a brief, frigid kiss before running inside alone. Now that I think about it, he was also 20 minutes late to our first date. Needless to say, there will be no third.

Perhaps all the fun ones are currently cuffed, but I just can’t seem to get excited about any guy as of late. There is one new boy on my soccer team that’s very cute and very friendly (specifically to me, I think?), but I’m not sure what to do about it. I recently realized I’m only competent at dating when I already know the guy is interested (i.e., when he matches with me on a dating app), but I am 100% clueless and awkward when it comes to IRL interactions. I can’t flirt, I can’t detect flirting, and I definitely always assume they’re not into me. I feel like this is a life skill I need to develop in 2019, but I have no idea where to start. Please send help.

#87

1. The guy who likes pugs had to last-minute postpone our date (I was drinking with friends and did not mind at all), and I haven’t heard from him since. Woohoo!

2. LBD and I went to see If Beale Street Could Talk on Sunday night, and the adorable romance of the movie made it clear to me that we are nowhere near that level of chemistry. I think he picked up on my lackluster vibes, because I haven’t heard from him since. Shrug!

3. Last week, I went out with a guy with long hair—and I just got back from our second date (I’m a little drunk). I’m usually not into long hair AT ALL, and I’m still not sure if we have any chemistry (we haven’t kissed), but he is super funny and nice. For those of you wondering, his hair is about shoulder length, looks very clean, and is kind of wavy. When I asked if he ever puts it up, he said “man buns are the modern-day mullet.” I died laughing, and couldn’t agree more. Also, we ran into one of my old coworkers, who sat next to us with his friends for the duration of the date.

4. On a slightly more philosophical note, I think I’m not that interested in dating at the moment. The fact that I am in the midst of figuring out my career and trying to make sure I can pay rent (in case you didn’t hear, I quit my job) means I have very little patience for the average bozo. If a guy wants to chase me down and make me fall in love with him, so be it. I’m always happy to meet new people and have fun, but I definitely do not have the time or energy to devote to dissecting texts or wondering if a guy is obsessed with me. If he’s not, he’s an idiot.

#75

I went on an unremarkable date two weeks ago. He was bald and had unsightly teeth, but was nice to talk to.

Last week, I saw a very funny play with Piano Man. I was pretty unsure if it was a date the entire time, but nonetheless we had a delightful time together, and briefly kissed at the end. However, he’s going to Arkansas for 8 weeks, so I doubt I’ll ever see him again.

Last Saturday, I had a nice time with an interesting enough guy on a rooftop bar and then at a barbecue restaurant (with my new plants in tow). I would see him again, but I’m dubious about there being a spark.

Tonight, I just got back from a date with a guy who pleasantly surprised me with how smart he is. I get the vibe that he’s not that interested though; and I don’t blame him because I was wearing baggy pants and my hair was Hermione-level poofy (book not movie, obviously).

Slim pickins, y’all!

 

#66

Never spoke to or saw Degrassi Dude again; we basically both ghosted each other. Remember, ghosting is only okay when it’s consensual. #consensualghosting

Since then, I’ve had TWO IRL experiences. The first guy I met at a bar while out with my friends last weekend. Pretty sure we only talked because I was one of the last two standing, but he gave me his number and told me to text him. We texted that night, and then a tiny bit more over the next 3 days. FYI, he is patient zero of my using read receipts. He also may have a girlfriend, according to my friend who was talking to his friend that night. I asked him about it while we were still at the bar, and he said nope, he hasn’t had a girlfriend since May 2016. Why the specificity? I don’t know. But I think it means he was lying, because he actively ignored me when I asked if we should get together next week. OH WELL AT LEAST I KNOW NOW AND KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

The same day I was ignored, I got set up with my friend’s coworker. It was basically a blind date, aside from me seeing a few photos of him, being assured he was cool and normal, and texting two and a half screenshots worth of conversation with him. I met up with him after having two glasses of wine with my coworkers, but I was still totally charming. We ended up kissing twice and then he texted me afterward telling me he had a good time. BUT THEN I FIND OUT from our matchmaker that she heard that he has been on twenty (20) dates with some other girl, and didn’t tell her about it. Not cool betraying the matchmaker like that. Sidebar with 20-date girl: Have you somehow not yet brought up the conversation after TWENTY dates with the guy? Or have you, and he is just a very gross player dressed up as a harmless nerd?

Either way, these two dudes are probably semi-seeing girls that could very well believe they are their boyfriends, and these post-diarrhea-buttholes are out kissing and giving their number to beautiful, funny, stranger girl geniuses. Is there anyone we can trust?

As for read receipts, I’m into them. I appreciate that it shows guys that I saw their dumb little message, but have no intention of responding. Also, if you feel you are getting too much emotional value from seeing a text from a certain person pop up, I suggest you Hide Alerts for their messages. It really calms the mind.