#91

I had two first dates last week that were both fun, but I don’t really care to see either guy again.

  • The first guy is a theater kid who’s obsessed with Starkid (and thinks I’m really cool for being associated with them) and karaoke, and tried to pressure/shame me into a Monday night karaoke second date. When he wasn’t running his hand through his own hair, he touched my knee a lot; then he walked me home but didn’t try to kiss me. All in all, I’m skeptical about his enthusiasm for vaginas.
  • The second guy was nice and funny, but a little basic. We went to a dimly lit champagne lounge (not.my.vibe) where we made out briefly, but he opened his mouth way too wide. I got duped into going further uptown, where he invited me to “watch something” at his apartment. I declined, we got food instead, and he was impressed that “unlike most girls,” I didn’t order a salad. Who orders just salad at a Thai restaurant?

I don’t know if I’ve maxed out my “luck” on dating apps after 5 years, but I think I need to stop going out with random strangers I meet online. Or maybe I’ll re-download Tinder first, just to be sure. Regardless, I fully intend on meeting someone at one of the many weddings I now have on my horizon—so to all my brides-to-be, don’t give your single guy friends a plus one.

#89

I went on a Hinge date last Thursday and it was fine; the highlight was eating pickled eggs. As soon as he texted a few days later, I told him I didn’t want seconds.

2 weeks ago, I went to House of Yes, and within 20 minutes of being there, a guy wearing ski goggles asked if I could put on his glow stick bracelet for him. My friend was already disappearing into the crowd, so I adorned him as fast as possible as he asked my name and told me he’d buy me a drink later. He eventually found me and came through on that offer. He’s Brazilian, objectively good looking, but I can’t take him seriously with a name that… “rhymes” with… Phabio. I didn’t want to hang out with him all night so I gave him my number and went off to join my friends. He lurked a bit, but eventually got the hint that I didn’t want to dance—especially when I told him I hate EDM. He texted the following week and asked me out. I was dreading the date, but it turned out to be not so bad. He was cool to talk to, an excellent gentleman, and very accepting of my hippie dippie ways. Also I found out he’s 35—which doesn’t matter, but was shocking nonetheless. Am i excited to see him again? Not particularly, but I figure maybe it’s worth a second chance.

Tonight, I went on a Hinge date that lasted 37 minutes. Not my record for shortest date (28 mins), but very close. Making conversation was a painful endeavor. Bleh, just blehhhhh.

And it all got me thinking. It’s one thing to be OTL (open to love), but lately I feel like I’m just going out with any dingdong that asks. Shouldn’t I be excited? Shouldn’t I be remotely attracted? I’m trying to give app boys a chance because maybe it’s not their fault their photos are bad, but also maybe I should just trust my shallow gut. I’m worried I’ve lowered my standards to dangerously low levels, and I think I need to be truer to my picky, judgemental self.

I’m proud of myself for making an IRL connection, but I’m not sure what I did to deserve it aside from wearing half a shirt and no bra. I’m all booked up for the next week, so I have a solid excuse for not seeing Phabio for a while. But if I’m talking like that, I probably shouldn’t go out with him again, right?

#88

About 2 weeks ago, I went on a third date with the long haired guy, and it was confirmed that we have no romantic chemistry whatsoever (we never kissed). We went to Barcade, and it was a nice reminder of how fun that place is. Who wants to play pinball with me sometime?

Since then, I’ve been on two dates with a chemistry teacher. Our first date was a Saturday night dinner, and I accidentally got very drunk—classic me! He was fun (but who isn’t when I’m wasted?) and we kissed at the end. Our second date was last night and he was 30 minutes late because he was playing a board game with friends. [I’m sure you can visualize my facial expression.] He made up for his lateness by monologuing and mansplaining all night, mostly about obscure science topics. On the walk home, he complained about how cold he was, and I told him to grab a cab if he saw one since we were walking in the opposite direction of his apartment. He insisted on walking me all the way home, and I suffered a brief, frigid kiss before running inside alone. Now that I think about it, he was also 20 minutes late to our first date. Needless to say, there will be no third.

Perhaps all the fun ones are currently cuffed, but I just can’t seem to get excited about any guy as of late. There is one new boy on my soccer team that’s very cute and very friendly (specifically to me, I think?), but I’m not sure what to do about it. I recently realized I’m only competent at dating when I already know the guy is interested (i.e., when he matches with me on a dating app), but I am 100% clueless and awkward when it comes to IRL interactions. I can’t flirt, I can’t detect flirting, and I definitely always assume they’re not into me. I feel like this is a life skill I need to develop in 2019, but I have no idea where to start. Please send help.

#87

1. The guy who likes pugs had to last-minute postpone our date (I was drinking with friends and did not mind at all), and I haven’t heard from him since. Woohoo!

2. LBD and I went to see If Beale Street Could Talk on Sunday night, and the adorable romance of the movie made it clear to me that we are nowhere near that level of chemistry. I think he picked up on my lackluster vibes, because I haven’t heard from him since. Shrug!

3. Last week, I went out with a guy with long hair—and I just got back from our second date (I’m a little drunk). I’m usually not into long hair AT ALL, and I’m still not sure if we have any chemistry (we haven’t kissed), but he is super funny and nice. For those of you wondering, his hair is about shoulder length, looks very clean, and is kind of wavy. When I asked if he ever puts it up, he said “man buns are the modern-day mullet.” I died laughing, and couldn’t agree more. Also, we ran into one of my old coworkers, who sat next to us with his friends for the duration of the date.

4. On a slightly more philosophical note, I think I’m not that interested in dating at the moment. The fact that I am in the midst of figuring out my career and trying to make sure I can pay rent (in case you didn’t hear, I quit my job) means I have very little patience for the average bozo. If a guy wants to chase me down and make me fall in love with him, so be it. I’m always happy to meet new people and have fun, but I definitely do not have the time or energy to devote to dissecting texts or wondering if a guy is obsessed with me. If he’s not, he’s an idiot.

#75

I went on an unremarkable date two weeks ago. He was bald and had unsightly teeth, but was nice to talk to.

Last week, I saw a very funny play with Piano Man. I was pretty unsure if it was a date the entire time, but nonetheless we had a delightful time together, and briefly kissed at the end. However, he’s going to Arkansas for 8 weeks, so I doubt I’ll ever see him again.

Last Saturday, I had a nice time with an interesting enough guy on a rooftop bar and then at a barbecue restaurant (with my new plants in tow). I would see him again, but I’m dubious about there being a spark.

Tonight, I just got back from a date with a guy who pleasantly surprised me with how smart he is. I get the vibe that he’s not that interested though; and I don’t blame him because I was wearing baggy pants and my hair was Hermione-level poofy (book not movie, obviously).

Slim pickins, y’all!

 

#66

Never spoke to or saw Degrassi Dude again; we basically both ghosted each other. Remember, ghosting is only okay when it’s consensual. #consensualghosting

Since then, I’ve had TWO IRL experiences. The first guy I met at a bar while out with my friends last weekend. Pretty sure we only talked because I was one of the last two standing, but he gave me his number and told me to text him. We texted that night, and then a tiny bit more over the next 3 days. FYI, he is patient zero of my using read receipts. He also may have a girlfriend, according to my friend who was talking to his friend that night. I asked him about it while we were still at the bar, and he said nope, he hasn’t had a girlfriend since May 2016. Why the specificity? I don’t know. But I think it means he was lying, because he actively ignored me when I asked if we should get together next week. OH WELL AT LEAST I KNOW NOW AND KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

The same day I was ignored, I got set up with my friend’s coworker. It was basically a blind date, aside from me seeing a few photos of him, being assured he was cool and normal, and texting two and a half screenshots worth of conversation with him. I met up with him after having two glasses of wine with my coworkers, but I was still totally charming. We ended up kissing twice and then he texted me afterward telling me he had a good time. BUT THEN I FIND OUT from our matchmaker that she heard that he has been on twenty (20) dates with some other girl, and didn’t tell her about it. Not cool betraying the matchmaker like that. Sidebar with 20-date girl: Have you somehow not yet brought up the conversation after TWENTY dates with the guy? Or have you, and he is just a very gross player dressed up as a harmless nerd?

Either way, these two dudes are probably semi-seeing girls that could very well believe they are their boyfriends, and these post-diarrhea-buttholes are out kissing and giving their number to beautiful, funny, stranger girl geniuses. Is there anyone we can trust?

As for read receipts, I’m into them. I appreciate that it shows guys that I saw their dumb little message, but have no intention of responding. Also, if you feel you are getting too much emotional value from seeing a text from a certain person pop up, I suggest you Hide Alerts for their messages. It really calms the mind.

#61

Before ending it today, I semi-reluctantly had two final dates with Jewish Guy (still cringing at this name) over the weekend. On Friday, we planned to watch a movie at his apartment. I KNOW what you’re thinking, which is why I suggested we watch The Shawshank Redemption for my first time ever. He actually tried to kiss me right after someone died in the movie, which gave me a great excuse to push him away. We had popcorn and wine and I left pretty soon after the movie ended. On Sunday, we went to a really cool wine and pizza pairing class at a wine shop in the city. Today I texted him that I wasn’t feeling a romantic connection, and he said he was feeling the same and wished me the best. SUCCESS!

I kinda went buckwild this summer with money and alcohol, so I’m planning on taking a break from dating and drinking in September. Still OTL, and maybe even half expecting to meet someone when I least expect it? Definitely a realistic possibility now that I plan to stay cooped up at home every weekend making candles and soap and pickles! Just waiting for a sexy farmer to come knocking on my door, ya know??

HAGS & TTYL

#58

Last Wednesday, I had an 8am coffee date with a teacher. Meh. (Also not my first ever before-work coffee date.)

On Saturday, I got drinks and a bite to eat with an ex-rower and painter. Better, but still meh.

On Monday, I got 3 beers (one beer beyond what I should limit myself to) with a cute and funny Jewish guy. I specify this because I somehow never date Jews, aside from Mr. Pineapple. (Am I self loathing?) I like talking to him, and will probably see him again next week. He said he doesn’t usually kiss on first dates, so I guess I’m just that irresistible. *hair flip*