#70.5

Well, hello again….lol

Neighbor Boy and I got ice cream, it was delicious, and we walked home. On the walk home, he worked up the courage to say that he’d been thinking about what I brought up on Sunday about exclusivity. (Remember that very brief chat I mentioned? It happened on Sunday.) And in my head, I just start laughing and thinking about how I actually just jinxed myself! But I’ll let him continue.

He said that he’s not seeing anyone else, and that he’s having a lot of fun with me, but that he’s also not in a place to be getting into a serious relationship, and that he doesn’t want to lead me on if that’s what I’m expecting. Phew. I was mostly just relieved he wasn’t reneging on our last conversation and telling me that he does indeed want to date other people. So I told him that we are pretty much on the same page, and that we should just keep each other updated on what we’re feeling and if other people are becoming involved and all that. Because in all honesty, I don’t think I’m seeking a serious relationship right now either. I don’t think I’m built to handle another real relationship that ends in real heartbreak (which I think is partially why the Universe has kept me from getting into any with the bozos you all know and hate). Besides—for various hippie reasons that I can discuss offline—I don’t think I’m meant to meet my person for a few years. And when we do meet, that will be that, and we’ll grow old and die together. So, at the very least, Neighbor Boy could be a great “practice” adult relationship, seeing as my only other experience happened mainly in dorm rooms.

The weirdest thing was that he then predicted me bringing up the fact that we probably don’t have to use condoms if we’re only hooking up with each other. That was spooky, but probably not totally out of left field on my part. Whatever, I’m new to this.

But for now, all is well, and we have plans to hang out on Thursday. Excited to see how it all shakes out! L.O.L.

#70

I thought about not writing an update because I didn’t want to jinx anything, but I’m pretty sure I don’t believe in jinxes and I figure it’s good to have some hopeful positivity in here every once in a while. Suffice it to say that Neighbor Boy is still in the photograph.

We’ve hung out 10.5 times, and we recently, very briefly talked about how we are not currently seeing anyone else. I didn’t think he was, but I felt the urge to ask. I’m trying to trust my gut and give it what it needs, like less dairy and more uncomfortable conversations.

Notable happenings:

  • On one occasion, he got a bloody nose ON my face, and it was pretty hilarious. It looked like I got punched and I really wish I had taken a photo. It was also the perfect opportunity to ask if he has any bloodborne diseases I should know about. Sneaky me! (He doesn’t)

  • We watched his friend’s dog one evening, and it was in the room (my whole apartment is one room, after all) while we did stuff. My first voyeur! That I know of… (Actually, the dog was pretty respectful and/or didn’t seem very interested.)

  • We ate donuts in a park and witnessed a HAWK snatch up a critter for breakfast.

  • We are getting ice cream tonight. *~future happening~*

  • I apologize for starting with the best happening and having it get kinda boring from there. Shrug. Byeeee!

#69

Neighbor Boy pleasantly surprised me by texting quite a bit while I was gone. He didn’t forget about me! In fact, he invited me to his friend’s NYE party. I loathe New Year’s, but figured I should go if I could be guaranteed a kiss, and then some. The party was about 20 people, and everyone was very nice and cool. In the Lyft home, Neighbor Boy said I was “heroic” for going to a party where I knew nobody and getting along just fine. Having once been told basically the opposite by my first ex, I was pleased to hear that I’ve improved my party skills. (Thanks, alcohol!) I also reminded him that he did the same exact thing at my holiday party.

We stayed in bed until 1 on 1/1 because I was nauseated from all that beer and champagne. I even had to poop a little at his apartment, but I think that’s better than vomiting, no? Before I left, he asked if I wanted to eat pizza and watch a movie later. I said yes, and went home for a few hours to wash up, do laundry, and nurse my hangover.

The fact that we are neighbors makes seeing each other ridiculously convenient, and I totally get why older generations married whomever lived down the block. It’s definitely fun, but I also feel like we’re hanging out in the shallow end of each other, and we could absolutely get to know each other better. I already have some burning questions, and am mentally preparing myself for the can of worms I will surely crack open!

*Unfortunately for this update number, there was no 69, but there was a 6 and there was a 9.*

#68

Neighbor Boy came to my holiday party last Friday. I told him to get there an hour after it started because I was nervous that he might not be fun or it might be too awkward, and I needed a drink to prep. But he turned out to be a delightful date, and everyone loved him. He was outgoing and self-sufficient when I had to abandon him to go pee. I was relieved. We ended up going to his place, but didn’t get past making out because he has a Casper [this is not a sponsored post, unfortunately] and we were wasted and I fell asleep very quickly. I spent the night and there was lots of cuddling. Then on Monday, we got drinks and eventually picked up where we left off before I had passed out on the previous occasion.

After all this fun, but then not hearing from him for a couple of days, I looked back and realized I had initiated most of our texting as well as our last 3 dates. It got me wondering if he actually likes me or if I’ve just been presenting very convenient and fun opportunities for him to take part in. In the spirit of testing his interest and laziness, I’m taking a step back from reaching out. He did end up texting me last night and we’ve talked a bit since, but I fly home for 9 days tomorrow and we all know how helpful that is for a budding relationship. We’ll see what happens, but I’m gonna play it cool and try to only initiate letting him know when I’m back—which I guess means hiding my phone from myself while I’m high all week? All in all, all is well. After all, I AM THE PRIZE!

TTYNextYear!

#67

On Tuesday, I got a couple drinks with a nice guy who lives around the corner from me. I really started to loosen up and relax when we started talking about student loans and credit card rewards. #romance

On Wednesday, I had a laughably bad date with a real douchebag. I definitely saw it coming and was mentally prepared for it to suck, but he still managed to shock me. We first started talking before Thanksgiving on Bumble (which I can’t say anything positive about lately; it’s just a wasteland of lazy assholes) and he was quick to let me know that he was just looking for something casual/sexual. I thanked him for being so upfront and we swapped numbers. He was decidedly not chatty and would abruptly end any text conversation I tried to make happen. I stopped trying, and we eventually met up. His first suggestion was that we meet at his apartment, but I told him I definitely didn’t want to do that. So we met at a super loud and fratty bar in the city by his apartment (thankfully, I was already in the city that evening). I got there first and bought my beer with cash. He then showed up and ordered a “vodka soda with lime.” We sat at the bar and he somehow managed to face fully away from me, spending most of his time looking at himself in the mirror behind us. The conversation sort of felt like an interview, but I tried to make the best of it. He was cute in an obvious way, with a super tight shirt and hilariously tall hair. He was drinking his drink pretty fast, so I followed suit. At the end of our drink, he asked if I wanted to get another drink at his place or another one at the bar. I said I didn’t want to go to his place but could stay for another drink at the bar. He paused and then responded with “Actually, I’m not going to get one.” I was really dumbfounded for about 4 seconds. And then I realized what was going on. So I grabbed my stuff, automatically said that it was nice to meet him, and left him there trying to get the bill for his drink. I got onto the street and audibly said to myself, “So why even offer that as an option???” Apparently, because I had been “open” to something casual/sexual, he thought I had been a sure thing without needing to tolerate his personality. So. Fucking. Gross. Worse than the Trump supporter, tbh. But at least it only lasted 45 minutes.

On Saturday, I had a snowy day date with Neighbor Boy. In previous texts, he had joked about living on the edge, so I had asked if he wanted to go ice skating with me (ya know, cuz you’re literally on an edge), and he actually agreed! We met up around noon to get coffee, and then ambled to the park in the snow. We skated for a while and then ambled on back. (The park was a goddamn winter wonderland, it was so cool.) He’s super fun to talk to and there weren’t really any awkward moments in the 4.5 hours we were together. We kissed at the end of the date, but our faces were covered in snow and snot, so it was kind of disgusting. We’re still texting and I invited him to come to some part of my company’s holiday party this Friday. (COWORKERS, GET READY!!!! But also be nice and not weird, please. Initial judgements welcome, though.) I figure it will be a good way of throwing him in the deep end, so to speak, and seeing if he’ll sink or swim. Plus, I feel like we need to make up for being so sober on Saturday.

#66

Never spoke to or saw Degrassi Dude again; we basically both ghosted each other. Remember, ghosting is only okay when it’s consensual. #consensualghosting

Since then, I’ve had TWO IRL experiences. The first guy I met at a bar while out with my friends last weekend. Pretty sure we only talked because I was one of the last two standing, but he gave me his number and told me to text him. We texted that night, and then a tiny bit more over the next 3 days. FYI, he is patient zero of my using read receipts. He also may have a girlfriend, according to my friend who was talking to his friend that night. I asked him about it while we were still at the bar, and he said nope, he hasn’t had a girlfriend since May 2016. Why the specificity? I don’t know. But I think it means he was lying, because he actively ignored me when I asked if we should get together next week. OH WELL AT LEAST I KNOW NOW AND KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

The same day I was ignored, I got set up with my friend’s coworker. It was basically a blind date, aside from me seeing a few photos of him, being assured he was cool and normal, and texting two and a half screenshots worth of conversation with him. I met up with him after having two glasses of wine with my coworkers, but I was still totally charming. We ended up kissing twice and then he texted me afterward telling me he had a good time. BUT THEN I FIND OUT from our matchmaker that she heard that he has been on twenty (20) dates with some other girl, and didn’t tell her about it. Not cool betraying the matchmaker like that. Sidebar with 20-date girl: Have you somehow not yet brought up the conversation after TWENTY dates with the guy? Or have you, and he is just a very gross player dressed up as a harmless nerd?

Either way, these two dudes are probably semi-seeing girls that could very well believe they are their boyfriends, and these post-diarrhea-buttholes are out kissing and giving their number to beautiful, funny, stranger girl geniuses. Is there anyone we can trust?

As for read receipts, I’m into them. I appreciate that it shows guys that I saw their dumb little message, but have no intention of responding. Also, if you feel you are getting too much emotional value from seeing a text from a certain person pop up, I suggest you Hide Alerts for their messages. It really calms the mind.

#65 Garol got laid

I slept over at Degrassi Dude’s after we separately went out for Halloween on Saturday. He was dressed as a teenager, and I was dressed as an old woman—a modern day Harold & Maude, if you will. We had fun, but I think this will be a physical relationship if it does continue. We’re not flirty or cute with each other, and he mostly just makes fun of everything I say or do. But beggars can’t be choosers, and I’m keeping my options open.

#64

I hung out with Degrassi Dude on Saturday and I’ve been too lazy to tell you about it. We spontaneously met up for drinks in the afternoon and then hung out for a bit at his apartment before I had to go to a play. It was by far the fastest anyone has ever made a move on me after entering their home. I guess I’m just so naive and innocent, actually thinking we were there to drink beer! We made out a bunch.

He’s busy with travel for the next couple of weeks, so, shrug. I’m more concerned with the fact that I’m pretty sure my husband lives in Colorado.

#63

I had a highly enjoyable date last night with a very funny guy at a wonderful bar in our neighborhood. We drank beer, shared cheese and a baguette, and got bit by mosquitoes in the backyard. But most importantly, we bonded over a shared adolescent love of Degrassi (The Next Generation). We had a fairly awkward kiss at the end, but I would definitely see him again. Hopefully he feels the same way, even though my hair was pretty greasy and I fear I had B.O. #mypersonalitysmellsgreat

2017 is steadily becoming the Year of the Jew, and this barely-there halfie appreciates the positive influence.

 

*Unrelated wild story*

On my walk home from the date, I got absorbed into a giant group of orthodox Jewish men. I was walking among approximately 100 of them for the last block of my journey. As we approached my street, who was standing with his bike filming us on his phone as we walked toward his astonished face? The star/creator of High Maintenance. I gave him a “can you believe this??” look as I passed, and went home. I then found his Instagram and messaged him saying that I was the girl in the mob of Jews and that I was glad he videotaped it because I was too self-conscious to do so. He responded the next day with “so crazy” and requested to follow me. Naturally, I accepted.