#67

On Tuesday, I got a couple drinks with a nice guy who lives around the corner from me. I really started to loosen up and relax when we started talking about student loans and credit card rewards. #romance

On Wednesday, I had a laughably bad date with a real douchebag. I definitely saw it coming and was mentally prepared for it to suck, but he still managed to shock me. We first started talking before Thanksgiving on Bumble (which I can’t say anything positive about lately; it’s just a wasteland of lazy assholes) and he was quick to let me know that he was just looking for something casual/sexual. I thanked him for being so upfront and we swapped numbers. He was decidedly not chatty and would abruptly end any text conversation I tried to make happen. I stopped trying, and we eventually met up. His first suggestion was that we meet at his apartment, but I told him I definitely didn’t want to do that. So we met at a super loud and fratty bar in the city by his apartment (thankfully, I was already in the city that evening). I got there first and bought my beer with cash. He then showed up and ordered a “vodka soda with lime.” We sat at the bar and he somehow managed to face fully away from me, spending most of his time looking at himself in the mirror behind us. The conversation sort of felt like an interview, but I tried to make the best of it. He was cute in an obvious way, with a super tight shirt and hilariously tall hair. He was drinking his drink pretty fast, so I followed suit. At the end of our drink, he asked if I wanted to get another drink at his place or another one at the bar. I said I didn’t want to go to his place but could stay for another drink at the bar. He paused and then responded with “Actually, I’m not going to get one.” I was really dumbfounded for about 4 seconds. And then I realized what was going on. So I grabbed my stuff, automatically said that it was nice to meet him, and left him there trying to get the bill for his drink. I got onto the street and audibly said to myself, “So why even offer that as an option???” Apparently, because I had been “open” to something casual/sexual, he thought I had been a sure thing without needing to tolerate his personality. So. Fucking. Gross. Worse than the Trump supporter, tbh. But at least it only lasted 45 minutes.

On Saturday, I had a snowy day date with Neighbor Boy. In previous texts, he had joked about living on the edge, so I had asked if he wanted to go ice skating with me (ya know, cuz you’re literally on an edge), and he actually agreed! We met up around noon to get coffee, and then ambled to the park in the snow. We skated for a while and then ambled on back. (The park was a goddamn winter wonderland, it was so cool.) He’s super fun to talk to and there weren’t really any awkward moments in the 4.5 hours we were together. We kissed at the end of the date, but our faces were covered in snow and snot, so it was kind of disgusting. We’re still texting and I invited him to come to some part of my company’s holiday party this Friday. (COWORKERS, GET READY!!!! But also be nice and not weird, please. Initial judgements welcome, though.) I figure it will be a good way of throwing him in the deep end, so to speak, and seeing if he’ll sink or swim. Plus, I feel like we need to make up for being so sober on Saturday.

#66

Never spoke to or saw Degrassi Dude again; we basically both ghosted each other. Remember, ghosting is only okay when it’s consensual. #consensualghosting

Since then, I’ve had TWO IRL experiences. The first guy I met at a bar while out with my friends last weekend. Pretty sure we only talked because I was one of the last two standing, but he gave me his number and told me to text him. We texted that night, and then a tiny bit more over the next 3 days. FYI, he is patient zero of my using read receipts. He also may have a girlfriend, according to my friend who was talking to his friend that night. I asked him about it while we were still at the bar, and he said nope, he hasn’t had a girlfriend since May 2016. Why the specificity? I don’t know. But I think it means he was lying, because he actively ignored me when I asked if we should get together next week. OH WELL AT LEAST I KNOW NOW AND KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

The same day I was ignored, I got set up with my friend’s coworker. It was basically a blind date, aside from me seeing a few photos of him, being assured he was cool and normal, and texting two and a half screenshots worth of conversation with him. I met up with him after having two glasses of wine with my coworkers, but I was still totally charming. We ended up kissing twice and then he texted me afterward telling me he had a good time. BUT THEN I FIND OUT from our matchmaker that she heard that he has been on twenty (20) dates with some other girl, and didn’t tell her about it. Not cool betraying the matchmaker like that. Sidebar with 20-date girl: Have you somehow not yet brought up the conversation after TWENTY dates with the guy? Or have you, and he is just a very gross player dressed up as a harmless nerd?

Either way, these two dudes are probably semi-seeing girls that could very well believe they are their boyfriends, and these post-diarrhea-buttholes are out kissing and giving their number to beautiful, funny, stranger girl geniuses. Is there anyone we can trust?

As for read receipts, I’m into them. I appreciate that it shows guys that I saw their dumb little message, but have no intention of responding. Also, if you feel you are getting too much emotional value from seeing a text from a certain person pop up, I suggest you Hide Alerts for their messages. It really calms the mind.

#65 Garol got laid

I slept over at Degrassi Dude’s after we separately went out for Halloween on Saturday. He was dressed as a teenager, and I was dressed as an old woman—a modern day Harold & Maude, if you will. We had fun, but I think this will be a physical relationship if it does continue. We’re not flirty or cute with each other, and he mostly just makes fun of everything I say or do. But beggars can’t be choosers, and I’m keeping my options open.

#64

I hung out with Degrassi Dude on Saturday and I’ve been too lazy to tell you about it. We spontaneously met up for drinks in the afternoon and then hung out for a bit at his apartment before I had to go to a play. It was by far the fastest anyone has ever made a move on me after entering their home. I guess I’m just so naive and innocent, actually thinking we were there to drink beer! We made out a bunch.

He’s busy with travel for the next couple of weeks, so, shrug. I’m more concerned with the fact that I’m pretty sure my husband lives in Colorado.

#63

I had a highly enjoyable date last night with a very funny guy at a wonderful bar in our neighborhood. We drank beer, shared cheese and a baguette, and got bit by mosquitoes in the backyard. But most importantly, we bonded over a shared adolescent love of Degrassi (The Next Generation). We had a fairly awkward kiss at the end, but I would definitely see him again. Hopefully he feels the same way, even though my hair was pretty greasy and I fear I had B.O. #mypersonalitysmellsgreat

2017 is steadily becoming the Year of the Jew, and this barely-there halfie appreciates the positive influence.

 

*Unrelated wild story*

On my walk home from the date, I got absorbed into a giant group of orthodox Jewish men. I was walking among approximately 100 of them for the last block of my journey. As we approached my street, who was standing with his bike filming us on his phone as we walked toward his astonished face? The star/creator of High Maintenance. I gave him a “can you believe this??” look as I passed, and went home. I then found his Instagram and messaged him saying that I was the girl in the mob of Jews and that I was glad he videotaped it because I was too self-conscious to do so. He responded the next day with “so crazy” and requested to follow me. Naturally, I accepted.

#61

Before ending it today, I semi-reluctantly had two final dates with Jewish Guy (still cringing at this name) over the weekend. On Friday, we planned to watch a movie at his apartment. I KNOW what you’re thinking, which is why I suggested we watch The Shawshank Redemption for my first time ever. He actually tried to kiss me right after someone died in the movie, which gave me a great excuse to push him away. We had popcorn and wine and I left pretty soon after the movie ended. On Sunday, we went to a really cool wine and pizza pairing class at a wine shop in the city. Today I texted him that I wasn’t feeling a romantic connection, and he said he was feeling the same and wished me the best. SUCCESS!

I kinda went buckwild this summer with money and alcohol, so I’m planning on taking a break from dating and drinking in September. Still OTL, and maybe even half expecting to meet someone when I least expect it? Definitely a realistic possibility now that I plan to stay cooped up at home every weekend making candles and soap and pickles! Just waiting for a sexy farmer to come knocking on my door, ya know??

HAGS & TTYL

#60

I’ve been on two more dates with the Jewish guy (I really wanted a better name for him, but here we are. He’s not even religious!). After our first date and near-constant texting for a week, I was very excited about him—to the point that I even felt a little guilty for my afternoon delight last week. He’s super cute, and SO sweet, but I’m starting to realize that we’re probably not compatible on a deeper level. He’s also very touchy-feely and constantly wants to hold my eczema-laden hand, which I find gross and also annoying—please don’t exacerbate it! We’ve been talking a bunch, which I think will make it even harder to break things off with him when I inevitably do.

So… everyone keeps asking, and the answer is, “no, I highly doubt I’ll ever hear from Anesthesiologist again.” I thought we were all on the same page with that.

Oh, but you know who I DID hear from tonight, after 3 weeks of silence? NAVY GUY. Classic move. As you’ll recall, he was a super asshole and got mad at me for getting mad at him. I ended up being the last to respond, saying, “Ya I was drunk. Over it.” I assumed he hated me as much as I hated him, and would never hear from him again.

But then he pulls this shit:

“Hey – just wanted to say sorry for being flaky when we were hanging out :( hope there are no hard feelings

I moved to bedstuy so hit me up for a drink or coffee sometime :)”

So… no apology for overreacting and being the meanest freak ever? Ok, cool. So I just said:

“No hard feelings but I don’t see us hanging out again”

To which he boringly responded:

“All good :) just wanted to reach out and say that”

  1. I bet he thinks he has repented for his sins, been forgiven for all transgressions, and can now sleep peacefully through the night. WRONG. I still think he’s a douchebag.
  2. I think he only reached out because he now lives in my neighborhood and wanted to make sure it wouldn’t be weird if we ever ran into each other. How I dread that day.
  3. Was he asking to hang out as friends? Because that is even more hilarious than him asking to go on a date again.

 

P.S. I got a refund on those miserable condoms! But they are definitely not publishing my scathing 1-star review on their site. :(

#59 Baby’s First One-Night-Stand

On Friday night, I went to a Mets game with my friend. I thought we were there to watch baseball, but she made it clear we were there to hunt down some men. And men are exactly what we found. Through a ploy to get them to give my friend one of their free giveaway jerseys, we started talking to two guys: a teacher and an anesthesiologist (which I very randomly and accurately guessed; though they first tried getting us to believe he was a member of the Blue Man Group), both 35. We chatted for a bit, and then they went to their seats, but not before my friend and the teacher swapped numbers. My friend and I celebrated over some BBQ and then headed to our own seats, buzzing on glory and cotton candy. Then the teacher texted, and we met up with them after the game at a bar outside the stadium. They bought us drinks, we chatted some more, ‘twas very fun. Then they suggested we all go back in the teacher’s car to Williamsburg. My first thought was, “THIS IS HOW YOU DIE, IN A STRANGER’S CAR!!” But I felt safe with my friend there, and was prepared to fight just in case. During the drive, and confirmed at the next bar, it turned out that the teacher was seeing someone, but the very hot anesthesiologist was not. :)

He and I danced a bit, made out a bit, swapped numbers, and went our separate ways. And then in my Lyft Line home, he started texting me, saying he was coming over the next night, and that he had been very close to coming home with me that night (not that I invited him!). I should also point out that Teacher lives in Staten Island and Anesthesiologist lives in Hoboken. Anyhoo, we texted, it was filthy and exciting, I went to bed.

On Saturday, he texts me again to tell me he’s coming over that night. So at this point, I’m thinking, “ok here we go.” But the day gets away from us and it’s unclear who is supposed to reach out to whom, and nobody comes over. I text him that night before going to bed, and we plan an “appointment” for the following day. My Sunday is pretty booked up, and I only have a gap from 3:30-5:30. So, after he drives through traffic from Hoboken (and I take a shot of tequila to calm my nerves), he arrives at my place at 4pm and we get down to business after a glass of wine. He then very kindly drops me off (in his BMW, because he’s 35 and a doctor) for my 6pm co-op shift, and I presume that’s the last time I’ll ever see him. *shrug* WORKS FOR ME!

It awkwardly took all weekend to consummate, but I’m still considering this my first one night stand—ignoring the fact that it also took place in broad daylight.

P.S. If you want any salacious details, feel free to text me. I can’t bring myself to put them in writing.
And here’s a PSA for all condom users: Sustain condoms are THE WORST THINGS EVER. They’re apparently sustainably made and non-toxic, but I’ll gladly take whatever chemicals Durex is serving up to avoid being rubbed raw from the inside out. I had originally tried Sustain condoms with Mr. Pineapple, and they were pretty dry and terrible, but I wanted to double check with Anesthesiologist. Thankfully, I had suggested he bring backup condoms. (To which he actually asked, “Do I have to wear one? You’re on birth control.” To which I responded, “OBVIOUSLY. You’re a stranger, and you have to wear one. If you don’t want to, don’t bother coming over.” And that’s when he told me he liked it when I talked aggressively. ;) So ladies, it turns out guys actually really like it when you force them into a rubber!)

#58

Last Wednesday, I had an 8am coffee date with a teacher. Meh. (Also not my first ever before-work coffee date.)

On Saturday, I got drinks and a bite to eat with an ex-rower and painter. Better, but still meh.

On Monday, I got 3 beers (one beer beyond what I should limit myself to) with a cute and funny Jewish guy. I specify this because I somehow never date Jews, aside from Mr. Pineapple. (Am I self loathing?) I like talking to him, and will probably see him again next week. He said he doesn’t usually kiss on first dates, so I guess I’m just that irresistible. *hair flip*