#76 It’s a small world after all

Friday morning, I started talking to a new guy on Hinge. In the afternoon, he suggested I join him and his friends (along with his sister and cousin…) at a Brazilian dance bar that night. The other option would be to “be normal” and meet for coffee at some point (oh, he’s sober). But he doesn’t go out often because he usually works weekends, and I wanted to check out this bar, so I rounded up a willing wing woman and told him I’d be there. (As soon as we got to the bar, we randomly ran into another wonderful wing woman of mine, and I felt popular as ever :D)

The bar was super loud, which made it nearly impossible for me to hear anything anyone was saying. Not exactly ideal for a first date, but ideal for forcing two new people to dance together. He is white as can be, but has moves for days. He made me look like shit—which doesn’t happen that often in my white-washed bubble. Ever since I danced with that model in Cuba, I knew I could never go back to awkward, boring grinding; so could this be the rhythmic boy band member of my dreams? Perhaps. We danced and made out and I left on the early side, but we made plans to see each other the next day.

On Saturday, it was raining and I felt weird about asking him to color soberly, so I decided that we should see a movie and get dinner. The movie was about Hasidic Jewish lesbians, and we held hands for 70% of it, including the sex scene. We ate dinner (I had one glass of wine), and then he invited me to meet his cats. As we talked and kissed on his couch, we discovered a connection: his mother is married to the father of my boss. They’ve only met once or twice, so I doubt she’d consider him her stepbrother, but that is definitely what he is if we’re getting technical. Small. Fucking. World!! Plus, it made me feel more comfortable staying the night knowing that he wasn’t a completely random stranger.*

We had a lot of fun, and it was pretty nice not having to wonder if he was doing/saying stuff purely because of alcohol’s dubious influence. But of course, that does not necessarily preclude him from being a player/asshole, so my guard is still up. We talked about hanging out next weekend, and I can only hope he’s a man of his word.

Also, he’s comically addicted to Diet Coke, but at least it’s a better vice than the hard stuff!

*To all my coworkers: this absurd discovery is currently a secret, so please keep it to yourselves.



I went on an unremarkable date two weeks ago. He was bald and had unsightly teeth, but was nice to talk to.

Last week, I saw a very funny play with Piano Man. I was pretty unsure if it was a date the entire time, but nonetheless we had a delightful time together, and briefly kissed at the end. However, he’s going to Arkansas for 8 weeks, so I doubt I’ll ever see him again.

Last Saturday, I had a nice time with an interesting enough guy on a rooftop bar and then at a barbecue restaurant (with my new plants in tow). I would see him again, but I’m dubious about there being a spark.

Tonight, I just got back from a date with a guy who pleasantly surprised me with how smart he is. I get the vibe that he’s not that interested though; and I don’t blame him because I was wearing baggy pants and my hair was Hermione-level poofy (book not movie, obviously).

Slim pickins, y’all!



I went on two more dates with the Piano Man from Arkansas. But before that, my friend who is also from Arkansas demanded to know everything about this guy, claiming that everyone in Arkansas knows each other. I shouldn’t have doubted her, because she does know him: he was in plays with her best friend in high school.

Anywho, on our second date, we drank a lot of beer and played skee ball before getting dinner and a margarita (school night). On our third date, we went to a party hosted by our mutual connection (not a school night). Afterwards, I agreed to go all the way to Queens, because he said there was a really weird bar there with Beanie Babies. It turns out they were just regular stuffed animals, not Beanie Babies, and I purposefully ordered the grossest drink on the menu (something with ginger and olives). Then, we went to his apartment, and he fell asleep while we were hooking up (post-clothing, pre-sex). So, I got a car home at 2:30am because I’ve decided I really don’t like when guys fall asleep on me, figuratively or literally. Plus, I had brunch plans later that day and Queens is FAR. We talked a bit at the end of that weekend, but it didn’t seem like we were really going to hang out again. But a few days later, I got invited to a new nerdy-comedy play being put on by the (actually very talented) nerdy-comedy musical theatre group I used to geek out over and also work for in my past life. I had already discovered that Piano Man knew about and appreciated this semi-under-the-radar group, so I decided to invite him (also because I knew no one else would ever go with me). The show is a whopping 3 weeks away, so tbd if we hang out again before then.

At this time, there are no other leads. There’s a very cute guy at work, but the jury is still out on his orientation.

#73 IUD-Day

I write this in bed, 3 hours after getting my IUD, just as my chocolate covered coffee bean begins to take effect.

To the people with female reproductive organs in the crowd who don’t already know this: it fucking hurts to get an IUD inserted. The worst of it is over pretty quick, but not as quick as you’d like. It was a new, shocking experience of nerve endings. And it’s kind of creepy to know that it’s because a choking-hazard size piece of plastic just took up residence in your uterus. But the moderate cramping that continues for the rest of the day will ensure you keep that bizarre reality top of mind. I can only say: I better have a LOT of (hopefully, good to great) sex over the next five years.



So far, I still have not run into Waffle at work yet. (Oh, did I mention the makeout boy from the dance floor is from Belgium? Hence…) But remember, we have each other’s number; we’re just equally not contacting them.

On Friday, I got drinks and dinner (but mostly drinks) with some friends before going to a bourbon tasting at a wine shop/liquor store. One of the assistants/pourers/but-like-still-part-of-the-drinking-and-discussing was pretty cute, but definitely young (though clearly old enough to drink, which is all that really matters). My friends drunkenly egged me on to talk to him at the end, and so I did. While I asked questions about alcohol, the other assistant/pourer/etc. joined in the conversation, and we all ended up talking about HQ Trivia. Kind of odd, but it gave me the opportunity to get their numbers (PLURAL even though I only really wanted one, but still a fun achievement) by inviting them to download/play (but mostly so I could get some extra lives). So yes, I have recently swapped numbers with two new male strangers. Am I going to do anything about that? Probably not.

Because I already had two first dates on the books:

On Saturday, I met a Hinge guy at the Brooklyn Museum for a 2pm date. Definitely not my preference, but at least it forced me to get some culture in. It was under two hours, and I knew it was a ‘no’ from minute 1.

On Monday, I met another Hinge guy at a bar, thank god, and it was pretty much lots of laughing from the very beginning. He’s a pianist from Arkansas, and we had first matched talking about……wait for it……recycling, of course! It was great fun and when we got to the subway, his train was right there. We had no choice but to hurriedly kiss because missing the train is the worst. We will likely hang out again, so that’s promising.

In surrounding possibilities, my dear friend is trying to set me up with her friend’s brother. I basically know nothing about him, except that he has a brother; and I have provided three photos for my friend to share. Hopefully this email nudges her to pass me some intel so that he’s not the only one who gets to form fantastic assumptions based solely on appearance.

But really, the last thing I want right now is anyone anywhere near Cramp City. Goodbye!


I’ll start by saying that Neighbor Boy and I haven’t had sex since before my last email. And we haven’t even kissed in the past 3 weeks. Why, you ask? Well, let’s take it back to when I was going to “crack open a can of worms.” That can of worms was referring to the 15-20 prescription bottles he had casually displayed on his nightstand the first time I slept over (date #3). I finally worked up the courage (maybe date #6 or #7?) to ask why there were so many in such a particular place, and he chalked it up to being messy and lazy. I obviously investigated and they were anti-depressants, so I naturally decoded that he has depression. About six weeks ago, he told me he was on a new cocktail of meds (officially revealing his depression to me even though his bottles were out and proud since the very beginning), and that it had completely killed his libido. This was fine though, and we were still having plenty of fun. But after a few weeks I realized we weren’t just not having sex, we also weren’t even kissing or cuddling, and it was hard to distinguish him from the rest of my friends, or to distinguish me from the rest of his friends. But he would still manage to pop up at the perfect moment and make it seem like everything was “normal.”

After a few weeks of confusion and uncertainty, I finally decided today that I needed to bring up that it felt like he didn’t seem interested and that we should just call it quits if he wanted. But then he texted me to grab a drink—and I knew he was on the same page. I met him after getting dinner with my friend, and we had a beer. As we were walking home, he initiated a conversation about how he wasn’t looking for a romantic/sexual relationship with me. We continued the conversation at his apartment briefly (read: I chugged the beer he poured for me as fast as possible), where I got him to admit that he couldn’t completely blame this all on the medication and that he did enjoy spending time with me, but he also doesn’t know how to separate his feelings from the medication and that he didn’t want me waiting around for the medication to figure itself out. It was very nice to be able to talk like adults, but I also felt tears threatening to show themselves in my eyes, so I left pretty abruptly. I knew the end was coming for a while, but that never stops it from being sad or disappointing. Since knowing each other, we haven’t run into each other at ALL in our neighborhood, and yet somehow I know that we’ll run into each other constantly now that we’re no longer hanging out. He better not show up at my pool this summer.

I do, however, have one lighthearted story to share. 2 weekends ago, I was at my favorite dance bar with my danciest friends. I told Neighbor Boy to come join us, but he was lame and didn’t show (red flag). Then, I just so happened to run into a guy that works on my floor and that I’ve had a mini crush on for years from afar. I struck up a conversation, and we ended up dancing, making out (sorry, Neighbor Boy), and swapping numbers. We texted a bit that weekend, and I haven’t run into him at work YET, but I know it will happen when I least expect it—probably on the same day that I run into Neighbor Boy in the subway. I initially felt bad about making out with a stranger after having committed to being exclusive with Neighbor Boy, but I no longer feel guilty now that he revealed that he hasn’t really given a shit about me for the past 6 weeks. What fun! At least I got some attention.

In other news, I’m finally getting an IUD next week. WHAT FOR, RIGHT???


I would first like to make it claro that Neighbor Boy and I did not celebrate Valentine’s Day. I had class after work and he was in Boston all week. He did reach out that day and we texted, but the day’s “holiday” was adamantly ignored by both of us. I’m assuming it was intentional on his part. It sure was on my end.

In other news, I’d say I’m less than satisfied with how much he’s been texting and/or reaching out as of late. Granted, he was gone all week, and then I’ve been gone for the weekend, but I also noticed that I had been the one to initiate most of our dates over the past couple weeks. So, I’m trying to pull back a bit, at least when it comes to advance planning. I can’t seem to gauge his interest, and figure this is a good step before deciding that maybe this is no longer healthy or fruitful. I know this whole situation has an expiration date, and maybe it’s looming sooner than I expected. He’s dealing with stuff, I’m dealing with stuff, we both agreed we weren’t seeking serious; but at the very least I need a guy to be interested in and excited to see me. Otherwise, there’s really no point. #shruglife


Well, hello again….lol

Neighbor Boy and I got ice cream, it was delicious, and we walked home. On the walk home, he worked up the courage to say that he’d been thinking about what I brought up on Sunday about exclusivity. (Remember that very brief chat I mentioned? It happened on Sunday.) And in my head, I just start laughing and thinking about how I actually just jinxed myself! But I’ll let him continue.

He said that he’s not seeing anyone else, and that he’s having a lot of fun with me, but that he’s also not in a place to be getting into a serious relationship, and that he doesn’t want to lead me on if that’s what I’m expecting. Phew. I was mostly just relieved he wasn’t reneging on our last conversation and telling me that he does indeed want to date other people. So I told him that we are pretty much on the same page, and that we should just keep each other updated on what we’re feeling and if other people are becoming involved and all that. Because in all honesty, I don’t think I’m seeking a serious relationship right now either. I don’t think I’m built to handle another real relationship that ends in real heartbreak (which I think is partially why the Universe has kept me from getting into any with the bozos you all know and hate). Besides—for various hippie reasons that I can discuss offline—I don’t think I’m meant to meet my person for a few years. And when we do meet, that will be that, and we’ll grow old and die together. So, at the very least, Neighbor Boy could be a great “practice” adult relationship, seeing as my only other experience happened mainly in dorm rooms.

The weirdest thing was that he then predicted me bringing up the fact that we probably don’t have to use condoms if we’re only hooking up with each other. That was spooky, but probably not totally out of left field on my part. Whatever, I’m new to this.

But for now, all is well, and we have plans to hang out on Thursday. Excited to see how it all shakes out! L.O.L.


I thought about not writing an update because I didn’t want to jinx anything, but I’m pretty sure I don’t believe in jinxes and I figure it’s good to have some hopeful positivity in here every once in a while. Suffice it to say that Neighbor Boy is still in the photograph.

We’ve hung out 10.5 times, and we recently, very briefly talked about how we are not currently seeing anyone else. I didn’t think he was, but I felt the urge to ask. I’m trying to trust my gut and give it what it needs, like less dairy and more uncomfortable conversations.

Notable happenings:

  • On one occasion, he got a bloody nose ON my face, and it was pretty hilarious. It looked like I got punched and I really wish I had taken a photo. It was also the perfect opportunity to ask if he has any bloodborne diseases I should know about. Sneaky me! (He doesn’t)

  • We watched his friend’s dog one evening, and it was in the room (my whole apartment is one room, after all) while we did stuff. My first voyeur! That I know of… (Actually, the dog was pretty respectful and/or didn’t seem very interested.)

  • We ate donuts in a park and witnessed a HAWK snatch up a critter for breakfast.

  • We are getting ice cream tonight. *~future happening~*

  • I apologize for starting with the best happening and having it get kinda boring from there. Shrug. Byeeee!


Neighbor Boy pleasantly surprised me by texting quite a bit while I was gone. He didn’t forget about me! In fact, he invited me to his friend’s NYE party. I loathe New Year’s, but figured I should go if I could be guaranteed a kiss, and then some. The party was about 20 people, and everyone was very nice and cool. In the Lyft home, Neighbor Boy said I was “heroic” for going to a party where I knew nobody and getting along just fine. Having once been told basically the opposite by my first ex, I was pleased to hear that I’ve improved my party skills. (Thanks, alcohol!) I also reminded him that he did the same exact thing at my holiday party.

We stayed in bed until 1 on 1/1 because I was nauseated from all that beer and champagne. I even had to poop a little at his apartment, but I think that’s better than vomiting, no? Before I left, he asked if I wanted to eat pizza and watch a movie later. I said yes, and went home for a few hours to wash up, do laundry, and nurse my hangover.

The fact that we are neighbors makes seeing each other ridiculously convenient, and I totally get why older generations married whomever lived down the block. It’s definitely fun, but I also feel like we’re hanging out in the shallow end of each other, and we could absolutely get to know each other better. I already have some burning questions, and am mentally preparing myself for the can of worms I will surely crack open!

*Unfortunately for this update number, there was no 69, but there was a 6 and there was a 9.*


Neighbor Boy came to my holiday party last Friday. I told him to get there an hour after it started because I was nervous that he might not be fun or it might be too awkward, and I needed a drink to prep. But he turned out to be a delightful date, and everyone loved him. He was outgoing and self-sufficient when I had to abandon him to go pee. I was relieved. We ended up going to his place, but didn’t get past making out because he has a Casper [this is not a sponsored post, unfortunately] and we were wasted and I fell asleep very quickly. I spent the night and there was lots of cuddling. Then on Monday, we got drinks and eventually picked up where we left off before I had passed out on the previous occasion.

After all this fun, but then not hearing from him for a couple of days, I looked back and realized I had initiated most of our texting as well as our last 3 dates. It got me wondering if he actually likes me or if I’ve just been presenting very convenient and fun opportunities for him to take part in. In the spirit of testing his interest and laziness, I’m taking a step back from reaching out. He did end up texting me last night and we’ve talked a bit since, but I fly home for 9 days tomorrow and we all know how helpful that is for a budding relationship. We’ll see what happens, but I’m gonna play it cool and try to only initiate letting him know when I’m back—which I guess means hiding my phone from myself while I’m high all week? All in all, all is well. After all, I AM THE PRIZE!